The Ghosts of Christmases Past

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I tend to get really stressed out around the holidays. And I often can't figure out exactly why.

Yes, I have extra shopping to do, baking, wrapping and traveling added to my already busy schedule. But still, my levels of tightness and tension don't seem to match even those added activities and responsibilities.

Earlier this week, as I laid in a restorative yoga pose designed to open up my chest, I finally understood.

The ghosts of my Christmases past were rattling chains-- and me.

As much as I so want to feel merry and bright all of the time during the holiday season, memories of particular aspects of my past Christmases re-emerge on the outskirts of my awareness and seem to really mess things up!

As I've written in previous blogs, I experienced very blessed holidays growing up filled with plenty of presents, tasty treats and lots of love and attention. What I also experienced during a particular time in my formative years was sexual abuse.

For decades now, I've been healing, learning and growing in terms of the abuse that happened. I no longer live with frequent flashbacks and other unpleasant side effects from the past trauma.

For this I am grateful.

But what I realized while in that wonderfully opening restorative yoga pose was that these ghosts of my past are intensifying my stress-- they are even a primary contributor to it. My habit of ignoring these ghosts or shoving them down is what heavily contributes to my overall sense of overwhelm and my seeming inability to fully enjoy my family, friends and celebrations during the holiday season.

Just as Ebenezer Scrooge's ghosts torment and won't leave him alone, so too do my ghosts...until I finally open up and let them in, acknowledge all of the ways that I'm feeling and offer myself extra care.

Allow space for both the sad and the glad.

You might not have had the same kind of experiences that I have had in the past. Your ghosts might be recollections of parents arguing and storming out of the house, alcohol or drug abuse around you, not having many (or any) gifts, parties and fun or other challenges.

Your ghosts might not be from your childhood. It could be that an unpleasant or unhealthy current situation rattles its chains loudly and jarringly.

What is common for quite a few of us is that we want to join in with the revelry and the potential joyousness of the holidays and we try really really hard to do so. But it just doesn't work when we also feel upset, depressed or off-kilter somehow.

I suggest that we all grant ourselves permission to feel what we're feeling-- every bit of it.

You can still attend parties and visit with loved ones. You can sing carols, light candles and exchange presents.

At the same time, you can allow time in your schedule to let in your ghosts. Just as Ebenezer Scrooge discovered, there were valuable and freeing lessons available to him when he followed his ghosts.

Yes, the ghosts were scary. Yes, the images weren't necessarily comfortable or pleasant to experience and re-experience.

But as Scrooge let them in-- the ghosts and the lessons-- he was finally able to tap into more generosity, expansiveness and elation than he'd probably ever imagined possible for himself.

This is what I'm doing for myself this holiday season that's different from recent years. I am opening up and creating space for my ghosts of Christmases past, when they decide to re-emerge.

I am allowing all of my feelings and memories-- even the ones that aren't happy. I know that as I stop resisting what's uncomfortable and I begin to open up to it all, the ghosts can more easily move through me rather than become stuck and grow even bigger than they were.

I already feel lighter, freer and better able to enjoy these moments of merriment and celebration. I wish the same for each and everyone of you.

Thriving Because and In Spite of Past Traumas

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Way too many of us have experienced trauma in our pasts.

It looks different for us all, but the effects can be quite similar.

When trauma happens, it almost always leaves a mark. This can be a deep and multi-layered wound that never seems to fully heal.

The challenge for those of us who are survivors of trauma is to recognize where we are and what has happened, but not get so caught up in the past that we remain stuck there.

The language we choose to talk and think about our past traumas reflects and sustains the beliefs we have about ourselves and our ability-- or inability-- to move toward the future we want.

The emotional and even physical sensations of trauma tend to stick with you and re-surface when triggered on anniversaries or when similar conditions arise.

Past trauma can affect our relationships, our capacity to succeed in the workplace, our health and our overall ability to live the lives we desire.

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and a date rape survivor. For years, these labels were at the forefront of my conscious mind. I needed them to be.

For a long time it was my priority to prove to others how insidious sexual abuse and rape are and also that a person can survive these atrocities and be a “normal” person in a loving relationship able to parent children with safety and healthy nurturing.

I worked with different therapists over the years and completed exercises in The Courage to Heal Workbook. I found support and felt empowered at “Take Back the Night” marches. And I talked and cried a lot with my partner, close friends and family.

It has been a long, winding path of healing for me-- and I know it's not done. I have no doubt that there are more layers to acknowledge and that there is further processing and releasing ahead.

What do you call yourself?

It used to be a point of contention for me to assert to others that I am NOT a victim of anything; I am a survivor.

Behind this assertion was an insistent sense of taking back my power.

I defied those who violated my boundaries and body as I claimed that I survived. As much as this contention helped me, I can also see why others feel an amount of soothing when they call themselves “victim.”

Yes, there are just words.

They do not alter the fact that particular acts were carried out in particular ways. But depending on the meanings we attach to them, these specific words can make all the difference in our ability to move ahead and release what happened.

If there has been a traumatic event in your past, think about the labels you apply to yourself. There can be value in just about any label-- as long as it is one that does not cause you further pain and as long as you don't become so attached to the label you are limited by it.

What do you want for your future?

I no longer find it so crucial to call myself a survivor. Instead, I prefer to see myself as a thriver.

To me, thriving is the next step. I am no longer satisfied by merely surviving the trauma of my past. I intend to thrive despite and because of what happened in my experience.

As I expand my view, I can see that there is a lot that has happened in my life-- including and not limited to the sexual abuse and date rape.

I do not want to, and probably could not, erase the past and return to pretending that these traumas did not occur. But I am less focused in on them these days.

Today I can acknowledge the richness and vastness of my life up to this point. I can also create a vision for the future I want for myself-- partly because I am consciously orienting myself toward that vision.

Yes, there are times when I feel fear, sadness or grief that connects to my past. When this happens, I allow the emotions to surface and I am especially gentle and loving with myself.

As a thriver, I don't spend more time than I need to there.

Changing the language you use about your past may seem to be pointless to you. And if it is merely a linguistic exercise without an accompanying shift in belief, you will probably not benefit from the improvements you seek.

I believe that words-- when backed up by belief, expectation and action-- are powerful. Take an honest look at your life and the labels you use to describe yourself.

In which direction do they point you?