5 Ways to Get the Support and Appreciation You've Been Craving in Your Relationship

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Jack works hard so that his family can live comfortably. He works long days at the office and then attends to his wife's “honey do” list when he gets home. To Jack, all of his efforts seem to go unnoticed by his family.

What he wouldn't give for just a little appreciation for all that he does; some morsel of support wouldn't hurt either!

Have you ever felt like Jack in your relationships?

It seems to you that you work and you sacrifice for your family, your partner or even your friendship and nobody gives you thanks for your efforts. In fact, it may even feel as if you're being taken for granted much of the time.

Wanting to feel appreciated and supported are common experiences for people in relationships.

When you don't feel supported or appreciated by those close to you, resentment and anger can quickly develop. As you probably already know, resentment and anger usually lead to tension and disconnection between you and the people you care about.

You might feel stuck.

You really want to feel that sense of support and gratitude from others, but you don't want to make waves. You might even acknowledge that your partner or others in your relationship are also working hard-- it's not just you who is sacrificing.

So now you may feel resentful and guilty at the same time. This is a downward spiral that isn't going to help you build a healthier, closer and more satisfying relationship!

Instead, try these suggestions...

*Treat yourself the way that you want the other person to treat you.

Too many times we rely on the people around us to fill a void within that we are unwilling to fill for ourselves. This might include: not honoring your true desires, saying yes or no in certain situations just because you think you “should” or putting your physical health on hold in order to care for others.

How can you begin to create an environment of greater support for yourself?

Make a list of specific ways that you want to feel supported and appreciated and then start treating yourself accordingly. Of course, you want those close to you to positively add to this supportive environment-- but you can lead the way and be responsible for your own well-being too.

*Be honest and request what you want from the other person.

You can state your request for more support and appreciation in ways that actually bring you closer to the person or people in your relationships.

You might say, “I know that we've both been burning the candle at both ends lately. I'd like us to talk about ways that we can more fully support each other and connect. Here's one way that I'd like to be supported.... How can I better support you?”

*Express your appreciation for the other person.

Quite often, we can become caught up in the unsatisfactory ways that we are being treated and do not realize that we are engaging in the same behaviors. If you want more appreciation, give more appreciation-- both to yourself and to the other person.

In just about every case, what you put out comes back to you multiplied.

*Notice the improvements.

When you feel lack, it can be easy to fall into the trap of only seeing the lack. It could be that your partner does show you appreciation, for example, but you can't see it because you are focusing only on what he or she is doing that seems wrong or neglectful.

Sometimes the appreciation or support comes in “little” acts or words that can easily be overlooked.

Be aware of what the other person is doing that helps you feel supported. You can always thank the person for his or her efforts and then ask for specific changes, if necessary.

*Keep yourself in an open and receiving mode.

Even as we might crave more support and appreciation in our relationships, many of us walk around closed down and, consequently, we limit what we can receive from others.

People close to us may actually be trying to give us what we desperately want, but we can't let it in.

Your kids might see you as infallible and able to do it all, because that's the outward “mask” you usually wear. Maybe they've even offered to help you in the past but, for one reason or another, you sent the message that you will carry the load all by yourself.

Now that you want support or appreciation, it's not there and you can't figure out why.

Be willing to ask for help, support and the thanks that you desire-- and then be willing to receive it.

The sharing that can happen as you communicate what you want and then stay open to receive it can be amazing.

Butt Out in order to Connect

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It can seem irresistible.

Opening up your mouth and speaking your advice or assessment of a situation...

Even though you weren't asked for it.

Many of us stick our proverbial noses into the business of others and we are almost always well-meaning.

I know, for example, that a dear relative of mine cares about me and only speaks what seems to be true to him about my life and how I should be as a mother, wife and adult woman.

It doesn't seem to matter to him that I did not ask for this advice.

I myself struggle with this at times.

When my partner makes a particular parenting decision that is different than what I'd have done, it can feel like internal wrestling to just let him work it out with the child involved and not step in.

I don't always succeed in keeping my thoughts to myself!

The effect when I let my “wisdom” pour forth can seem discounting, mistrustful and even superior-- even as well-meant as I intended it to be. The original situation did not directly involve me; it was not my business and my advice was not requested.

We've all probably been on the receiving end of advice or labeling we didn't ask for and we don't want.

We've all probably also been on the giving end as we enter into someone else's life and affairs in an unwelcome way.

Of course, there is almost always love and care behind our words and actions; but ultimately, we just need to butt out!

Tricky business

When you stay awake and aware in your interactions with others, you can catch yourself before you launch into unwanted advice or other acts of getting into someone else's business.

But it can seem tricky.

You might feel frightened or concerned about the choices a loved one is making that don't resonate with how you're choosing to live. There is a chance your fears are warranted.

Notice when you get triggered by a situation that you are near to but not directly involved in. Ask yourself if this person is truly in danger or if the intensity of your emotions is linked to something inside of you instead.

This is an important difference.

There might be occasions when you choose to get involved in someone else's business because you believe that this is truly a matter of harm. For instance, if you see a child being abused, getting involved might save that child's life.

Most of the time, we butt in to situations that seem scary or risky to us, but they are really just examples of others living their lives differently than what we do.

Other times we get involved in another person's business in order to avoid something going on in our own lives. It can seem easier to dwell on the challenges in someone else's life than our own.

It can provide a false power rush to leap in and “solve” another's problems when your own challenges mostly make you feel helpless.

Pay attention to the advice you so want to give to this other person. It is possible that the solution or change that seems so clear (to you) for this other person is something you, yourself are being called toward.

When you butt out of another's business, you can be freer to more deeply engage with your own life.

Create Space for Connection

The more you dive down into your own business and explore those triggers you experience along the way, the more available to connection with others you can be.

You create space and possibility for yourself and for your relationships with others as you deal with your own business--
and continue to make that your primary focus.

From that place of ever-expanding space, you are freer to offer support to others in ways that will truly feel supportive to them.

When you encounter a person who seems troubled, you can listen and ask how you can be supportive to him or her.

From this exchange, a deep and meaningful connection happens.

Two people come together and acknowledge the inherent worth in one another's similarities and differences.

Two people listen to one another-- asking, giving and receiving what they each need at the moment.

This is the stuff of growth and expansion.

This is the place of connection and love where the world sits up, takes notice and is enriched.