The Calm After the Storm

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Sometimes there's nothing better than a deep and cleansing cry. It can shake things up and clear out all of that stuff that each of us needlessly carries around.

As adults, many of us don't give ourselves permission to cry.

Somewhere along the line the message was made known that crying is weak and “for babies.” This is especially the case for boys and men. But girls and women also receive similar messages.

We are subtly or overtly told that there is no room for crying in a successful, got-it-all-together kind of life.

Throughout my life I've been a “crier.”

When I was a young girl, I'd frequently cry and my mom would ask me “Amy, why are you crying?” My tearful response would often be, “I don't know.” Now that I know what I know about my past, I can guess about what the reasons might have been some of the time.

What I want to focus on here, however, is the wonderful release that can come after the tumult of a deep cry. I encourage each and every one of us to welcome this kind of crying when it arises.

To me, it is truly a calm after the storm.

In those moments after a deep cry, it's as if the world is somehow clearer and brighter and I am lighter inside. I feel cleaned out in many respects.

Yes, that difficulty or situation that led me to cry is possibly still unresolved, but somehow it all seems a little easier to face.

I believe that a deep, cleansing cry can be extremely helpful when we become stuck. It's too easy to settle in to a sense of dissatisfaction or powerlessness. We can become dull and begin to move (or not move) through life in a sort of robotic mode.

Allow the storm
This is why the upheaval-- that may be unpleasant and even unwanted-- can be so vital.

Even if you aren't a “crier,” let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. I cannot stress enough how important this is.

Too often, fear, anger, grief or other difficult emotions come up and we push them back down inside. “Who has time to get into all of that anyway?” your over-scheduled, full-to-the-brim mind might argue.

Even if you feel like you have the time, you might not want to experience the pain that these emotions threaten to bring with them. It might seem that you will lose yourself in the chasm of challenging feelings if you open the door to them.

I've certainly been there.

In just about every case, however, these feelings seep through anyway. You simply cannot hold at bay your sadness, fears, anger and grief. This can only intensify those difficult emotions and potentially manifest as stress and health problems (if they haven't already).

When you feel out of sorts, off your game or unhappy in some way, create the time and give yourself the space to explore your emotions.

I don't necessarily advise you to try to figure it all out from a thinking perspective. Instead, take a deep breath, open up to yourself and just let whatever is inside come out. You might use music, writing, dancing or another means to help yourself open up.

It is almost always the case that the storm within will not be more than you can handle. If it feels like too much or you are concerned that you will hurt yourself or another person, please seek help from a professional.

Appreciate the storm and the calm
As painful as it is for me to feel the feelings that usually accompany a deep cry, I can truly appreciate them and the whole process. My fears, anger and grief are a part of my human experience at this moment.

I can remind myself that I may not feel this way next month, next week or even tomorrow. And the sooner I allow the storm to move through me, the sooner I can open up to the release and the calm.

Of course, this build-up of difficult emotions and eventual intense release is not the progression that has to happen and it is not what happens every time I face a challenge.

There are occasions when I recognize that I am feeling a bit irritable, I explore what's going on, make possible changes, communicate with others involved and experience a release without any big storm.

It is not necessary to wait for the intensity to escalate to put into motion a clearing out and subsequent calm.

We can stay tuned in to how we each feel and give ourselves permission to explore beneath the surface of “feeling down” or “crabby” and then let whatever needs to come up and out do so.

It might be a gentle unfolding of emotion tied with realization and perhaps new (or renewed) commitments to how you want to live your life.

It might also be more tumultuous, filled with plenty of tears and other expressions of your feelings.

In both cases-- and those in between-- when you stop pushing down your feelings and, instead, allow it all to flow, you can enjoy a clearer, calmer and often happier life.

What Do You Do to Keep Your Wild Things at Bay?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

A young boy struggles to deal with his parents' divorce, the introduction of a new person-- his mother's boyfriend-- into his life, feeling left out and ignored by his older sister and an overall sense of loneliness.

This not-so-unusual scenario is the stage upon which the movie version of the beloved children's book Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak is set.

While the book hints at the difficulties the pre-pubescent Max is going through, the movie version (titled the same) expands and brings them to a level that can be downright uncomfortable for viewers.

The wild things that Max encounters after he sails off to another land personify his seemingly out of control emotions.

The wild things yearn for Max to erase their sadness once and for all but-- as you might guess-- this is impossible even for a child king in a magical land.

How do you cope with your wild things?

Our emotions can seem as intense and unruly as the wild things in Max's alternative world are. They can literally “eat us up” if we don't soothe and care for them in loving ways.

But the trouble is, many many of us don't want to deal with our wild things.

I used to abuse alcohol in an attempt to dull my wild things. Insecurities, fears, and even memories I didn't want to remember, were all temporarily kept at bay as I drank to the point of passing out at times.

You might turn to the false promise of soothing and distraction from alcohol or other things like drugs (legal or illegal), food, television, computer, exercise, work, and even the opinion of others.

There's nothing inherently wrong with any of these behaviors or influences.

Unfortunately, as I found out, they can quickly turn into addictions. We can become dependent on these external sources for a fleeting sensation of uplift that can have unhealthy aftereffects.

As I relied on alcohol to try to dull my wild things, I not only engaged in dangerous behaviors with serious consequences, I also moved further and further away from learning how to truly soothe myself.

This is a very conditional way to live.

When you rely on external sources to cope with difficult feelings, your ability to achieve what you want to achieve is severely limited. In part, this is because you are working so hard to numb out and not face or feel the feelings.

The effects of addictive behaviors can end up far more destructive than the original emotions ever could be.

And our wild things continue to exist. They are in there-- gnashing their teeth, growling and growing.

[*Note: There are many ways to understand and stop addiction. These suggestions are a general approach and not meant to replace coaching or therapy. If you feel that your health and well-being are in danger because of your addictive behaviors, please seek the help of a professional.]

Love your Wild Things.

It is absolutely vital that you stay in touch with you.

Even if you can only create 5 minutes each day to sit quietly, breathe and feel, do it. Give this to yourself. During those 5 minutes ask yourself how you are feeling and what you need.

If you need to cry, then cry. If you feel like yelling, create space for yourself to yell. Be in the moment with your emotions-- allow them.

Your in-touch time can be a source of healing, release and rejuvenation as long as you don't negate it with critical or judgmental thoughts.

Keep yourself focused on the feelings and not your stories behind the feelings. Afterwards, you will be better able to listen to any actions or changes you feel drawn to.

What any of us need is to feel loved-- unconditionally. You simply cannot love yourself without also loving and finding a sense of peace with your wild things.

Love yourself anyway, including those undesirable feelings, behaviors and addictive tendencies you have.

When you dive deeper into self-hate because you are jealous, critical, or you eat, drink or whatever too much, your need for those dangerous soothers increases-- as do your wild things.

From a place of love, however, you can almost always make changes more easily and assuredly.

Make it your goal to find even one aspect of yourself to love as you are, where you are. Once you discover one aspect to love, continue looking for more.

Build from there until you no longer need to escape or dull your difficult and intense emotions. Your love, awareness and willingness to listen to yourself and your needs can bring you the ease and answers you really wanted all along.

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*Wild Things hat image thanks to http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessyratfink/

Are Your Emotions Making You Sick?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

“...It's just emotions taking me over...” sang the popular 1970s pop group the Bee Gees.

I bet that just about every one of us has experienced a wave of emotions that seemed to literally take over.

It might have been fear or panic so intense that nothing else going on could be perceived. Or it could have been a surge of pleasure or happiness.

Our feelings can be pervasive. They can also make us sick or, conversely, support and promote health and well-being.

There is a connection between emotions and physical health that is being documented in scientific studies.

Medical scientists at UCLA found that the stress hormone, cortisol, suppresses the body's ability to produce an enzyme that is essential for cell health and the effective functioning of the immune system.

As you probably already know, it is the immune system that can fight off nasty things like flu, colds, diseases and even cancer.

And, studies aside, we've all probably experienced this mind-body connection up close and personal in our own lives.

Late last week I came down with some nasty symptoms-- throbbing head, achy all over, low energy, chills and even vomiting.

At first glance, it was obvious that I had a flu. But when I take a careful look back at the days leading up to this illness, there's another way of understanding it.

It is quite probable that I literally made myself sick.

Days before these symptoms temporarily knocked me out, I had been feeling bad about myself. I was feeling sad, ugly, inadequate and generally very low. And the next day, BOOM, I get sick.

Could there be a connection?

I think so.

Letting emotions off the hook for a moment...

Let me back up for a minute. I am not proposing that emotions are to blame for physical health problems.

Instituting a good/bad dichotomy whereby certain emotions will keep you healthy and others will make you sick is not going to benefit any of us. This presumption could lead to an attempt to ignore or push down those feelings that are not deemed positive.

It is nearly impossible to truly ignore away those unpleasant emotions. Efforts to suppress them are not going to promote health either.

Emotions are just energy. Defined as “affective states of consciousness,” our emotions are tied in with our thoughts, beliefs and perceptions.

If you can start to see emotions are merely powerful energy and leave behind the good/bad labels, you can begin to make peace with them-- and I mean all of them.

Making peace with where you are is a great way to allow your emotions to process and then release. It is the tendency to hold onto or become stuck in difficult emotions that can add to stress which then can manifest as illness and disease.

Practice emotional self-checks...

When you stay tuned in to how you are feeling and what you are thinking and believing, you can know when a potential tidal wave of angst is building within you.

Too many of us simply aren't present with our own selves much of the time. It's in this state of auto-pilot that we often get caught unaware by challenging feelings that we then feel helpless to do anything about.

Try this emotional self-check instead:
Before you get out of bed in the morning, simply listen to your thoughts and notice how are feeling. Repeat this during a mid-day break in your daily routine and then again before dropping off to sleep at night.

When you discover feelings, thoughts or sensations that disturb or trouble you, pause and look more deeply at what's going on. Be inquisitive and resist the urge to judge yourself or become fearful.

It can be quite a powerful act to interrupt your usual habit of pushing ahead with your life and, instead, acknowledge that you feel sad, irritable, angry or afraid.

Your next step could be to ask yourself what you need to soothe yourself about this. The answer might be a very specific action, or it could be more questions.

You may discover that particular beliefs about yourself, others or your situation are fueling your intense emotions. If so, it can be helpful to ask yourself if you absolutely know that these beliefs are true.

Often, the reminder that a belief or thought might not be accurate is enough to create space for new perceptions of a situation.

As you listen to yourself and follow through by meeting your emotional needs as best you can, you will probably feel improvement and some sense of relief.

You might not jump from depressed to joyful, but be sure to recognize those positive movements and continue to build on them.

Don't Get Mad, Do Yoga!

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever felt so angry, you could hardly see straight? Or maybe you were overwhelmed by fear and felt closed off and small inside. Perhaps, your brain seemed in a fog-- it was next to impossible for you to think clearly....

We've all been there.

Whether it's feeling mad, sad, afraid or even spacey, sometimes it seems as if we are stuck in particular emotions or a certain mood and we just can't figure out a way to move through it and release.

Have you ever tried yoga in cases like this?

Yoga's Health Benefits

You probably are aware of the physical health benefits of yoga. This practice is a fabulous way to increase your flexibility and strengthen core muscles in your body.

A regular yoga practice can also help you be more relaxed which usually means your blood pressure will stay in a healthy zone. Many practitioners experience a greater mental clarity and ability to focus as other positive side-effects of yoga.

Each yoga pose, or asana, targets particular areas of the body and even specific organs.

When it comes to your emotions, the asanas act in a similar way.

5 Yoga Poses to Ease Challenging Emotions:

Please research and learn more about each of these yoga asanas before attempting them. Yoga can fit just about anyone's fitness capabilities, but it is important that you be informed about the poses.

The asana descriptions I provide below are not meant to be instructional.

If you notice yourself feeling out of sorts but you're not sure why, take a few moments to tune in to what you are feeling. Give most attention to the emotions you are experiencing and less to any stories you associate with the emotions.

Remember to breathe...
Bring your awareness deeper into yourself and your body by breathing from your abdomen. Inhale slowly through your nose and allow your abdomen to move out away from your spine. Now exhale slowly and let your abdomen move back toward your spine to it's more usual position.

Yoga Pose #1: Mountain (*Tadasana)

Mountain pose is a deceptively simple asana. You basically stand up tall on the floor. Feet are hip-width apart and your hands are loose at your sides. Breathe and feel yourself connect with the Earth as you hold this pose.

As you might expect, Mountain pose can help you ground yourself when you feel flighty, scattered or you just can't focus. When you direct your attention to your feet as they connect with the floor and symbolically the Earth that supports you, you can more easily come back to the present moment and improved clarity.

Yoga Pose #2: Warrior (Virabhadrasana)

There are several variations of the Warrior pose. Most involve standing to the side with your legs and feet apart. Front foot faces the front and the back foot is perpendicular to the front.

Depending on the version of Warrior you choose, your arms will be out and parallel to the floor or up over your head pointed toward the sky. This asana often involves shifting your weight toward the front and slightly bending the knee.

If you are feeling fearful,weak, or ineffectual, try Warrior pose. As you stand in this courage-enhancing asana, you can feel into your own power that might before have seemed hidden.

Yoga Pose #3: Triangle (Trikonasana)

Triangle is considered one of the most essential and core poses there are in many yoga traditions. It is similar to Warrior and can be practiced in conjunction with it. Again, there are variations to Triangle.

Your feet are the same as in the Warrior pose. Your arms are out and parallel to the floor. This time, your legs stay straight as you bend from the side to reach your front arm toward your front foot on the floor as your other arm raises up behind you.

Triangle is the quintessential balancing pose. It can be extremely helpful if you are feeling stuck or stubborn about some belief or position you are holding.

You might be having a difficult time seeing another's person's point of view. Or it could be that you feel like you have “no options” in a situation.

If so, see if holding the triangle pose helps you loosen up and open up.

Yoga Pose #4: Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Downward Facing Dog pose is another favorite among those who practice yoga. You start out on your hands and knees and then slowly place your feet on the floor behind you, arms on the floor in front of you and your eyes comfortably looking down at the floor or your stomach. Your body forms a triangle shape.

Downward Facing Dog is a wonderful pose and stretch. And when you feel angry, constriction often results. Go into Downward Facing Dog when you are irritated or mad. The symbolic submission to the situation can help you release your anger and, perhaps, take a different clearer-headed view of whatever is going on.

Yoga Pose #5: Handstand (Adho Mukha Vrksasana)

The Handstand pose can be difficult or seem scary to beginners, but it can also be easily worked up to. Find a wall with plenty of space around and behind you. Start out facing the wall and then go into Downward Facing Dog with your hands and head near the wall.

Next, gently kick up into a handstand and allow your feet to land against the wall for support. Hold it as long as you are able to.

There are certainly times when a situation seems totally opposed to what you intended or wanted. You might feel frustrated or distressed about where you are and simply not know how to turn yourself around to point where you want to go.

Inverted asanas such as Handstand can help you literally turn a situation on its head! You might not be able to hold this pose for more than a few seconds at first, but the shifting benefits can still be felt.

When you are feeling out of sorts and stuck in a mood, take a deep breath and try some yoga.

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*I have listed the Sanskrit name for each of the poses for your information. In a yoga class or other resource, these asanas might be referred to in the Sanskrit.

*Visit http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/info/downward-facing-dog.asp for fuller descriptions and graphics of all of the asanas described in this article.

Stuff it or Spew it?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

What to do with your anger....

Come on. As mild mannered as you think you are, you probably get angry from time to time.


We all get angry occasionally-- some of us more occasionally than others.

The question is do you tend to stuff down your anger in some deep, dark hidden place within or do you spew it forth onto anyone and everyone around you?

I grew up in a family of stuffers.

I remember watching my father kick in a car door because he was so steamed about something that had gone wrong in his life. Outbursts like this didn't happen very often at my house, thankfully.

But there were enough of them that the image is bright and vivid in my mind.

For the most part, I was brought up with the unspoken rule that anger is not allowed.

As with my father, my mother and I both had occasional meltdowns. These were rare. We generally bit our tongues and swallowed our feelings-- especially if they were angry ones.

You might tend to stuff down your anger just like I have in the past (and still tend to do today).

Perhaps, to you, anger is inappropriate. You might believe it would rage out of control if you allowed it, so you simply push it down and hope it will go away.

Sometimes pushing down anger does cause it to subside-- at least for a little while.

With enough stuffing, however, you may feel like that proverbial lidded pot that finally boils over, no longer able to contain all of that pressurized steam.

And if you do manage to control your anger and keep the “lid” on your emotions, you may encounter rashes, ulcers, grinding teeth, or other unpleasant and detrimental health conditions in your body.

Other people don't stuff down anger. Instead, they tend to spew it as they seem to fly off the handle about any “little” thing. Perhaps your boss, parent, your partner, even you yourself are like this.

It's as if the Incredible Hulk has raged into your life-- or inhabited your own body!

While spewers might get a certain release from their outbursts, there are also downsides to this behavior as well.

As you probably already know, relationships can be damaged and even severed by angry outrage. The overtly angry person can also experience health conditions such as heart and blood pressure problems as a result and indicator.

Re-thinking Anger

It's time to re-think anger. No, it's not usually pleasant. But it does crop up for just about every single one of us.

As many other sources have asserted, anger is just energy. We can label it “positive” or “negative.” When it comes down to it, however, it is simply energy.

What you do with anger is what can have the detrimental or, yes even affirming consequences.

Buddhist teachers counsel us to love, embrace and “make friends with” all of our habits, aspects and emotions. This absolutely includes anger.

Here are a few specific techniques for befriending your anger...

*Stay tuned in to your emotions. Notice irritations and annoyances before they turn into full-blown anger. You can deal more easily with whatever is going on for you when it is more manageable.

*Be fluid and flexible. Don't get stuck and rigid in your anger. If you can soften around whatever seems to be the source of anger for you, your emotions can ease.

*Remember to breathe. You can soften as you take a big, deep belly breath. You might find it helpful to forcefully expel your breath-- as if you were assertively blowing out a candle. Repeat this as you need to. Then gradually slow and calm your breathing.

*Interrupt your usual anger pattern. As with any habitual behavior, interrupting your usual reaction gives you space and clarity to make a choice about how you want to respond. Dance, sing, shout...

*Focus in on the feelings, not the story. If you can stop fixating on whatever or whomever appears to have made you upset, you can usually find quicker release around your anger.

Acknowledge and allow those emotions to run through you. Let them crest and then release. Now you can have that talk or handle the circumstances from a calmer and usually clearer place.

Anger may be one of the most difficult emotions out there. It is not bad and it's not necessarily good either. It just is.

As you learn to stay fluid and tuned in to you, the release of difficult emotions like anger can be a point of breakthrough and expansion.

It is another step in loving yourself more completely and moving toward being the person you want to be.