Why Losing Control Isn't Necessarily a Bad Thing

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I've been watching the Winter Olympics a lot this past week. I've been amazed and inspired by the skill, creativity, determination and endurance displayed by all of the athletes-- not just those who were awarded medals.

I found myself holding my breath as skiers raced down a mountainside traveling over 60 mph as they jumped and turned and vied for top speeds.

As these women and men careened down the mountain ski runs, I'd often perceive that they were out of control-- some of them did wipe out. I've only skied a few times in my life (and certainly not on any runs close to those at the Olympics), but to my untrained eyes there were many occasions when it seemed that at any moment the skier was going to crash.

On the whole, being in control when you're on a set of skis moving over 60 mph down an alpine slope is probably a good thing.

In many aspects of life, however, the compulsion to control and be in control can become a huge obstacle and actually keep us stuck-- or even send us backsliding.

I've admitted in previous blog posts that I have a propensity to control. Especially when particular aspects of my life feel overwhelming or out of my reach, I tend to dig in and attempt to control anything and anybody I can.

This has led to pain and disconnection within myself and in my relationships. I am certainly aware of the negative consequences of trying to control.

Mixed messages
At the same time, it seems to me that we are taught that to be in control is beneficial, desirable and revered.

After all, addicts are seen as those people who cannot control their use of a particular substance or activity. A person who yells around and throws things is viewed as unable to control his or her temper.

These are just a couple of examples.

Being “in control” and “controlling” are slightly different actions, but the mixed message is still there.

For some of us, the belief develops that, “I have to maintain control of my life and also not infringe on the lives of others.”

This is certainly a reasonable approach.

But even this notion of being “in control” without breaching that invisible line and crossing into “controlling” can hold a person back.

For example, let's say that I want to improve my financial situation. I set goals about this. I write down lists of how I think I can increase my income. I create in my mind a plan for how I will systematically move from where I currently am to where I want to be.

This all make rational sense and it might be effective.

However, if I attempt to control this aspiration by holding fast to and continually focusing in on my goal, I can become easily frustrated when things don't go according to my plan.

I can pretty quickly find myself feeling helpless and out of control if the results that I want haven't come yet. As a result, I might cling to that plan even tighter or perhaps even abandon it all together.

Release control and take command
Often, it is in those moments of abandon, when we release control, that the movement that we wanted all along occurs.

I have to admit, the idea of relinquishing control of my life strikes a bit of terror in me! But I also see very clearly that my propensity for control keeps me stuck where I am.

The trick here is to go ahead and create your vision for what you want. Let yourself feel excited and energized by it. You might even have some great ideas about what your next step could be.

But don't try to plan it all out.

Once you know what you want, let it go. This doesn't mean that you don't want whatever it is anymore. It means that you're going to allow what you want to manifest.

At those top speeds, Olympic downhill skiers have to release some amount of control and, to some degree, simply ride along. A tight and rigid resistance from the skier will undoubtedly lead to a wipe out and possible injury.

Teacher Richard Bartlett, author of The Physics of Miracles, makes the distinction between command and control. According to Bartlett, while control has a dimension of forcing something or trying to make it happen, command comes from the heart.

To command is to confidently know what you want and then release your attachment so that you can hear the guidance and feel the inspiration that will take you there...or perhaps someplace even better than you'd initially dreamed.

Perhaps releasing control doesn't have to be such a scary thing after all. Instead, I can step up and gently, yet assuredly, and take command of my own life.

The Art of Receiving

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Are you uncomfortable or even resistant to receiving?

During this time of year in which gifts are often exchanged, are you most focused in on the giving?

It's quite likely that you are. When I think about giving and receiving, giving comes out as somehow more important in my mind.

We tend to live in a culture skewed against receiving.

“It's better to give than to receive.” was probably taught to most of us growing up in our families, churches or schools. The stigma of those enrolled in low-income public assistance programs is still present today-- what about those proverbial bootstraps we're all supposed to pull ourselves up by?

Even when it comes to favors, there's a common discomfort when someone has done something helpful or nice for you and you haven't had a chance to reciprocate, or the person won't seem to allow it.

It's quite apparent that not only have the majority of us learned that it is more virtuous and noble to give than it is to receive, there can be a touch of superiority attached to the act of giving.

Don't get me wrong here. Giving is a potentially wonderful act. It is vital to our world and is admirable when freely and mindfully practiced.

My point is that if you close yourself to receiving, you're missing out...and I don't just mean on all of those presents and favors either.

When you resist the receiving part of the giving-receiving exchange, you block the flow of life. You also short-circuit a potential connection with another person or group of people when you close down to receiving.

In addition to cultural reasons is the unfortunate fact that deep down, many of us feel unworthy of what's being offered. This might be experienced as an urgency to prove ourselves or maybe a sense of shame about who we are.

So here we tend to be, caught among wanting to feel noble and appropriate by mostly giving, battling with our perception of unworthiness and-- at the same time-- wanting improvements in our lives.

We can't figure out why the relationships, the financial situation, the career or the overall experience of life we want don't come to us when we're working so hard and giving so much.

Here's probably why...it's because we aren't allowing ourselves to receive it.

Consciously shift into a receiving state.
If you can identify these tendencies within yourself and you'd like to more fully open to the flow of life, set an intention to do so and then follow through.

Become aware of the thoughts, beliefs and habits that you tend to use as barricades to receiving. What do they look and sound like? When do they tend to surface most intensely?

Use this information to begin to interrupt yourself when you start to shrink back from a desirable offer of help from a friend or even a compliment. During each opportunity to receive, invite yourself to open up a little bit more than you usually do to what is being given.

You can practice this several times a day.

When a family member gives you a hug, consciously relax and open yourself up more fully to the love and physical contact that's being offered. If a neighbor wants to carry your groceries to your home, give yourself permission to say yes if you choose it.

Bring your attention and awareness into this present moment and be a full participant in the sharing that's happening right now. Whether you're opening a gift, sharing a kiss, listening to another person's words or allowing a helpful gesture, engage as you receive.

As you shift into a receiving state, you can still decide to say no or decline a gift. It's up to you to decide which offerings, words or gifts are in alignment with what you truly want.

I encourage you, however, to make potentially receiving your “default” state and approach to life. The positive effects can be amazing!

Fun with Money

By Amy Phillips-Gary

In today's economy there aren't too many people connecting the word “fun” with the word “money.”

News headlines warily report the stock market numbers each day. Job cuts are still being made and plenty of folks are looking for employment that will adequately pay the bills.

A lot of belt-tightening is going on.

In such an environment, the focus tends to be on “getting by” rather than bounding into financial abundance and prosperity.

And, even in such an environment with a preponderance of fear and worry, it is absolutely essential that we identify our limiting beliefs about money, make shifts and open up to developing new ones that will support what we DO want rather than keep us stuck where we don't want to be.

Many, many people-- myself included-- habitually feel lack when it comes to their financial situations. Lack feelings contribute to people feeling helpless about money.

“Reality” and experience tend to match these feelings.

Money Beliefs

Beliefs are just thoughts that we practice-- a lot! We think similar thoughts over and over again. Pretty soon, they appear very solid, immovable and even irrefutable to us.

Money is a hot topic for many people. And, just like beliefs about other issues, our habitual thoughts about money become entrenched and appear to us as the “absolute truth.”

Lack Orientation
Beliefs start to take shape from a very early age. You might have grown up in a household where money was tight. The messages from your parents and other family members indicated to you that “funds are low” so “don't ask for too much.”

These messages and your thoughts about them solidified into beliefs that money is a limited resource-- this now seems to you to be an undeniable fact that is mirrored and reinforced in your own experience.

It can be a painful, debilitating cycle.

Perhaps it seems wildly unrealistic to you to consider an income or lifestyle that is outside a particular “comfort” range of what you've always known. This is primarily due to your money beliefs.

There's nothing wrong with remaining within the limits of your “comfort” zone-- as long as that's where you want to be.

If you'd like to expand your bank account and enjoy financial freedom, however, you might ask yourself if your lack constraints are really all that comfortable after all!

Money the Corrupter

On the other hand, you may associate wealth and financial abundance with corruption, greed, “selling out,” being “less spiritual,” or other descriptions that you deem negative.

Of course, there are examples of greed and corruption in the world.

But it is not the money that is responsible for apparent crookedness-- it is the actions of people who are usually motivated by fear, unhappiness and pain.

Money can be understood as just another form of energy and appreciation. It is an exchange between people that represents one party showing appreciation for services or a product.

There is an exchange of energy when money changes hands.

As you loosen up, relax and open up more and more to receiving and giving appreciation, a greater sense of flow with money can develop. And this can translate into greater financial abundance in your life.

This way of looking at money might be unappealing or seem like a huge stretch to you. This is only an example of a different perspective you might consider adopting.

What is most important here is for you to explore your money beliefs.

If, even on a sub-conscious level, you believe that to be wealthy is to be shady, exploitative or greedy, these beliefs are going to obstinately stand in your way-- of even minimal abundance.

Stay curious as you become clearer about how you think, feel and believe about money and don't get caught up in criticizing yourself or others in your life for helping to form these beliefs.

Learn what your beliefs are and then decide if you'd like to change them or not.

Be Free with Your Money

As you begin to change your money beliefs, you can ease up about money.

I'm not suggesting that you run out and max out your credit card at your favorite store. Make conscious choices about your financial actions just as you are beginning to do with your beliefs.

For example, with a positive mind-set, a budget can be a wonderful way to keep yourself pointed toward the financial future you'd like.

Remember that you always have choice. Make each of your money decisions from a feeling of empowerment, a clear vision for what you do want for your future and an overall sense of fun and joy.

From there, appreciation and abundance can continue to grow.