Why Losing Control Isn't Necessarily a Bad Thing

By Amy Phillips-Gary

I've been watching the Winter Olympics a lot this past week. I've been amazed and inspired by the skill, creativity, determination and endurance displayed by all of the athletes-- not just those who were awarded medals.

I found myself holding my breath as skiers raced down a mountainside traveling over 60 mph as they jumped and turned and vied for top speeds.

As these women and men careened down the mountain ski runs, I'd often perceive that they were out of control-- some of them did wipe out. I've only skied a few times in my life (and certainly not on any runs close to those at the Olympics), but to my untrained eyes there were many occasions when it seemed that at any moment the skier was going to crash.

On the whole, being in control when you're on a set of skis moving over 60 mph down an alpine slope is probably a good thing.

In many aspects of life, however, the compulsion to control and be in control can become a huge obstacle and actually keep us stuck-- or even send us backsliding.

I've admitted in previous blog posts that I have a propensity to control. Especially when particular aspects of my life feel overwhelming or out of my reach, I tend to dig in and attempt to control anything and anybody I can.

This has led to pain and disconnection within myself and in my relationships. I am certainly aware of the negative consequences of trying to control.

Mixed messages
At the same time, it seems to me that we are taught that to be in control is beneficial, desirable and revered.

After all, addicts are seen as those people who cannot control their use of a particular substance or activity. A person who yells around and throws things is viewed as unable to control his or her temper.

These are just a couple of examples.

Being “in control” and “controlling” are slightly different actions, but the mixed message is still there.

For some of us, the belief develops that, “I have to maintain control of my life and also not infringe on the lives of others.”

This is certainly a reasonable approach.

But even this notion of being “in control” without breaching that invisible line and crossing into “controlling” can hold a person back.

For example, let's say that I want to improve my financial situation. I set goals about this. I write down lists of how I think I can increase my income. I create in my mind a plan for how I will systematically move from where I currently am to where I want to be.

This all make rational sense and it might be effective.

However, if I attempt to control this aspiration by holding fast to and continually focusing in on my goal, I can become easily frustrated when things don't go according to my plan.

I can pretty quickly find myself feeling helpless and out of control if the results that I want haven't come yet. As a result, I might cling to that plan even tighter or perhaps even abandon it all together.

Release control and take command
Often, it is in those moments of abandon, when we release control, that the movement that we wanted all along occurs.

I have to admit, the idea of relinquishing control of my life strikes a bit of terror in me! But I also see very clearly that my propensity for control keeps me stuck where I am.

The trick here is to go ahead and create your vision for what you want. Let yourself feel excited and energized by it. You might even have some great ideas about what your next step could be.

But don't try to plan it all out.

Once you know what you want, let it go. This doesn't mean that you don't want whatever it is anymore. It means that you're going to allow what you want to manifest.

At those top speeds, Olympic downhill skiers have to release some amount of control and, to some degree, simply ride along. A tight and rigid resistance from the skier will undoubtedly lead to a wipe out and possible injury.

Teacher Richard Bartlett, author of The Physics of Miracles, makes the distinction between command and control. According to Bartlett, while control has a dimension of forcing something or trying to make it happen, command comes from the heart.

To command is to confidently know what you want and then release your attachment so that you can hear the guidance and feel the inspiration that will take you there...or perhaps someplace even better than you'd initially dreamed.

Perhaps releasing control doesn't have to be such a scary thing after all. Instead, I can step up and gently, yet assuredly, and take command of my own life.

What Would “Honest Abe” Do?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

We've all heard the stories about honesty and two of our best-known U.S. Presidents, whom we happen to celebrating on this cold and snowy holiday.

While the tale of young George Washington chopping down a cherry tree and then finding the courage to admit the deed to his father may have been an invention, there are plenty of documented examples of the honesty displayed by both Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

“Resolve to be honest at all events...” Lincoln reportedly advised his audience during a speech early his career.

But can you truly be completely honest all of the time?

After all, aren't there occasions in which honesty isn't necessarily the “best” policy?

For instance, when someone you care about asks you the ill-fated question, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” How do you answer if, indeed, the clothing doesn't seem to fit in a flattering manner?

There are plenty of times when many of us fib or tell a “white lie” because it seems to be the nicer, kinder thing to do. Of course, you don't want to make your partner feel worse about his or her body size.

Other times, we aren't completely honest because we don't feel comfortable speaking the whole truth (or even a portion of it). We may have become accustomed to not making waves in our relationships.

Perhaps on some level, we believe that the people close to us will dislike us, stop loving us or even leave if we really speak up about what's on our minds.

This doesn't always happen consciously.

Many times, we've been taught to shut down our truth-speaking inner voices. We may have been taught-- overtly or by example-- that to succeed or even survive in life it's better to ignore or even silence what we truly feel and think.

This can happen on more dramatic levels as well as those more subtle.

We've certainly heard about people who “wake up” one day and realize that the relationship, the job, the life that they have been living is absolutely NOT what they wanted after all.

People who experience this in themselves, their partners or other family members might even describe themselves as living a “lie.”

More often than not, this radical realization happens because the person has become practiced at silencing his or her inner truth-- knowingly or not. The recognition of this apparent “lie” may even come as a surprise to the person living it.

Find your truth

In each and every moment, keep the channels of communication open between you and you. You might have to re-learn how to listen to your inner self so that you can better know what's true for you.

When it comes down to it, only you can know what is true for you from your particular vantage point and experience in any situation.

It can be helpful to take the capital “T” out of truth and the capital “H” out of honesty.

You get to determine what resonates or feels most authentic to you in each moment. This can change and it will most definitely vary from person to person.

The key here is to know your own truth and remember that others in your life may have different experiences. Of course, there will be overlap and shared truths and there will also be disagreement and even conflicting truths.

You can avoid a lot of conflict, however, if you remember this subjectivity of truth. Take responsibility for being honest about your own thoughts, beliefs, values and actions.

You can speak your truth in ways that are both genuine and compassionate, authentic and connective.

Act from your truth

Action is the place where speaking unauthentically, even dishonestly, gets us into trouble.

It could be the young child who claims to have no idea how the box of cookies came to be emptied as cookie crumbs sprinkle his cheeks.

It may be the woman who always agrees with her partner, because that's what she's been taught to do, as she goes ahead and does the opposite thing anyway.

When we cut ourselves off from our own truth-- either consciously or unconsciously-- we often end up acting in ways that seem to make no sense to others (and ourselves). This can become confusing and will inevitably erode trust.

Today, find the clarity within yourself to touch in with your own truth more of the time.

Then, be courageous and speak honestly and authentically about how you feel and what you want. Come from a place of knowing that your truth is not necessarily the truth of another person; it is valuable and significant nonetheless.

Do your best to ensure that each step, every action you take, comes from a place of honesty, authenticity and your truth.

The Art of Receiving

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Are you uncomfortable or even resistant to receiving?

During this time of year in which gifts are often exchanged, are you most focused in on the giving?

It's quite likely that you are. When I think about giving and receiving, giving comes out as somehow more important in my mind.

We tend to live in a culture skewed against receiving.

“It's better to give than to receive.” was probably taught to most of us growing up in our families, churches or schools. The stigma of those enrolled in low-income public assistance programs is still present today-- what about those proverbial bootstraps we're all supposed to pull ourselves up by?

Even when it comes to favors, there's a common discomfort when someone has done something helpful or nice for you and you haven't had a chance to reciprocate, or the person won't seem to allow it.

It's quite apparent that not only have the majority of us learned that it is more virtuous and noble to give than it is to receive, there can be a touch of superiority attached to the act of giving.

Don't get me wrong here. Giving is a potentially wonderful act. It is vital to our world and is admirable when freely and mindfully practiced.

My point is that if you close yourself to receiving, you're missing out...and I don't just mean on all of those presents and favors either.

When you resist the receiving part of the giving-receiving exchange, you block the flow of life. You also short-circuit a potential connection with another person or group of people when you close down to receiving.

In addition to cultural reasons is the unfortunate fact that deep down, many of us feel unworthy of what's being offered. This might be experienced as an urgency to prove ourselves or maybe a sense of shame about who we are.

So here we tend to be, caught among wanting to feel noble and appropriate by mostly giving, battling with our perception of unworthiness and-- at the same time-- wanting improvements in our lives.

We can't figure out why the relationships, the financial situation, the career or the overall experience of life we want don't come to us when we're working so hard and giving so much.

Here's probably why...it's because we aren't allowing ourselves to receive it.

Consciously shift into a receiving state.
If you can identify these tendencies within yourself and you'd like to more fully open to the flow of life, set an intention to do so and then follow through.

Become aware of the thoughts, beliefs and habits that you tend to use as barricades to receiving. What do they look and sound like? When do they tend to surface most intensely?

Use this information to begin to interrupt yourself when you start to shrink back from a desirable offer of help from a friend or even a compliment. During each opportunity to receive, invite yourself to open up a little bit more than you usually do to what is being given.

You can practice this several times a day.

When a family member gives you a hug, consciously relax and open yourself up more fully to the love and physical contact that's being offered. If a neighbor wants to carry your groceries to your home, give yourself permission to say yes if you choose it.

Bring your attention and awareness into this present moment and be a full participant in the sharing that's happening right now. Whether you're opening a gift, sharing a kiss, listening to another person's words or allowing a helpful gesture, engage as you receive.

As you shift into a receiving state, you can still decide to say no or decline a gift. It's up to you to decide which offerings, words or gifts are in alignment with what you truly want.

I encourage you, however, to make potentially receiving your “default” state and approach to life. The positive effects can be amazing!

Rev Up Intimacy and Passion in Your Relationship

By Amy Phillips-Gary

“Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better”-- The Beatles

In their classic song, “Hey Jude,” The Beatles sang this message so clearly.... If you want more passion and intimacy in your relationships, open up your heart and let others in.

This week I've been writing about how to improve your relationships. When it comes to interacting with others, things can become rather dull and routine. Deepening and enlivening your connection with others is a fabulous way to improve your relationships.

And I'm not just talking about your love relationship or marriage.

There is a potential for close, engaging and alive interactions with every person you encounter...if you want it and if you open up to it.

Ok, there are probably people that you work with, see regularly or are even related to with whom you don't want to be close. For some reason, you might feel uncomfortable with a deep level of intimacy (or any intimacy at all) with these particular people.

That's perfectly fine. This is your decision.

But when you look around at your relationships with your partner, children, extended family and friends and few, if any, of those relationships match up to the level of passion and intimacy that you desire, it's time to look inside.

The walls can come tumbling down...
A big reason why many of us aren't feeling fully alive and engaged with the relationships that we're in is because on some level we have built up walls. Through years of experience, a lot of us have erected symbolic walls to keep other people at a distance.

Keeping others at “arm's length” may have been a sort of survival strategy that made sense and even served you at one point in your life. If you feel dissatisfied and want more now, however, it's time to reconsider that strategy.

Which people in your life are you ready to open up to just a little bit more?

You could set an intention to rev up the intimacy in your love relationship, for example. And this doesn't just mean sex!

When you open up to deeper intimacy, you are allowing this other person to see sides of you that you might have previously kept hidden-- even if you've been together for many many years. There could be more or different physical touching and sharing involved as well.

Stay aware of how you tend to interact with the other person in the relationship upon which you are focusing.

Where do you usually hold back? At what point during conversations and physical interaction (which could include everything from hugs, kisses, pats on the back to lovemaking) do you freeze up and hide behind that wall?

It is at this place of holding back, where you can make a decision to try something new. Give yourself permission to expand beyond your normal level of intimacy even just a little bit. This can happen in steps.

Pay attention to how it feels to deepen intimacy in this new way. How does it feel in your body? What do you notice about how the other person responds?

Remember, an internal wall can take some time to dismantle so be gentle with yourself.

Lust for life...
Another way to rev up intimacy and passion in your relationships is to let yourself fall in love with life. It is frequently the case that a person's relationships seem dull and lifeless because that's the way the person sees his or her life overall.

You can breathe new life into your relationships by consciously becoming more passionate about what you do, who you are and where you are right now. You can also get pumped up about where you are headed.

There are always things that we'd like to change, improve and to be different about ourselves and our lives-- including our relationships. To encourage those positive changes, you could look for those aspects that stir you and cause your heart to sing.

Get passionate about yourself and your life and then allow that excitement and zing to expand. It will undoubtedly help you breach those walls to intimacy within yourself and make it easier for you to move closer to the people in your life.
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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

“Magical” Communication Solutions for Difficult Relationship Moments

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This week's blog posts are centered on improving your relationships. Paying attention to how you interact and connect with or disconnect from the people around you is an integral part of your personal growth.

We all fall into habits in our relationships that often correspond with the inner habits we maintain. Some of these habits support the growth and expansion that we want and others are mainly obstacles.

As the holidays approach, your habits that tend to stand in the way of relationship and personal growth can become intensified and even inflated.

Yes, Thanksgiving and the various December holidays such as Hanukkah, Yule and Christmas are times of gratitude, giving, celebration and togetherness.

But we can all probably attest to the fact that these holidays can also be quite stressful. Old wounds that have never been given the chance to heal can become re-inflamed as you see a family member with whom you share a challenging past. In the flurry of shopping and parties, tensions between even the closest friends can rise and hurt feelings can be triggered.

The manner in which we communicate is often a barometer for how stressed out and tense we feel.

We might find ourselves saying something hurtful or harsh to a person we care deeply about. We may lash out verbally at a mate, child, co-worker or friend who has very little or nothing at all to do with why we feel strung out or angry.

This is unfortunate and it is also something that just about every one of us does from time to time. Becoming aware of how you are feeling and actually listening to your inner needs for relaxation and release can help prevent these uncomfortable and even regrettable moments.

The great news is, the ways that we communicate-- even about difficult topics-- can be the means by which connection and closeness and personal growth happen.

Taking care of your feelings and needs rather than shoving them aside is a wonderful first step to improving communication with others.

A second step is setting an intention (and then remembering it) to communicate to connect. Too many times, the underlying aim of communication becomes to prove a point or to be “right.”

One person becomes attached to how “right” his or her perspective seems and then the conversation becomes all about justifying that position instead of offering up a particular view and then listening to what the other person has to say.

The sharing and connection get lost when “rightness” is the intention.

There are probably times when you truly want to communicate to connect with another person, but you also want to be certain that your voice is heard and acknowledged. You can absolutely do both!

Relationship coaches and authors Susie and Otto Collins have written an e-book titled: Magic Relationship Words which includes 101 words and phrases that are designed to encourage connection, honesty and openness in your communication.

Here are a couple of “magic” words from their e-book that you might try in your relationships:

* “Please tell me more...”
How many times have you made up a big story in your head about something another person said to you that seemed vague and confusing? Perhaps your story about what you think was meant left you feeling upset, fearful or angry-- and you don't even know if your understanding is accurate!

When you realize that you are starting to fill in blanks and make up stories about what another person said, stop yourself and go to the person. Ask him or her to “Please tell me more...” about the statement.

This request for more information can potentially save you both from inner turmoil and relationship conflict.

* “I feel...”
“I feel” statements have been around for a long time. They are so potentially powerful in relationship communication that I think they bear repeating again.

For example, you can tell your partner that his or her flirting is “making me insecure or worried that an affair is going on.” Chances are, this statement will trigger defensiveness in your mate which can shut down communication quite quickly.

Instead, you might say something like: “I feel insecure and worried that you may be having an affair when I see you flirt.” It is a subtle change. Your partner will probably not be overjoyed to have this conversation with you, but the emphasis is different.

With these “magic” words, you are taking ownership for how you are feeling AND you are bringing attention to a situation that is troubling you. A greater sense of openness is introduced into an otherwise disconnecting context.

From this point, you can listen to what your partner has to say, possibly ask questions for deeper understanding and then possibly create some agreements.


Connecting communication in relationships may not occur as instantaneous as any of us would like.

Yes, it does take both inner listening and also a willingness to practice engaged listening with the other person. But the effects of working through a challenge or conflict with a sense of integrity, cooperation and closeness can truly feel magical.

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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Improve Your Relationships...and Watch Your Personal Growth Soar

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This is a blog about personal growth, right? So why am I writing about relationships this week?

It's because-- as you possibly already know-- relationships play an integral role in your personal growth.

The relationships we have with our partner, children, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others can be the means by which we continue to bang up against the same wall and stay stuck in the muck of limiting habits OR they can promote our learning and expansion on personal as well as relational levels.

Perhaps you have struggled with insecurity for as long as you can remember.

If so, your uncertain and probably overly-critical view of yourself undoubtedly shows up in various ways in your relationships. Maybe you are frequently jealous around your partner. You possibly feel stuck in a job with little or no respect and a low paycheck to match. You might feel bullied by a difficult neighbor.

If you take a bird's eye view of your entire life, you can trace lines of connection between you-- your biggest challenges-- and the people with whom you spend your time.

Because there is such a strong link between your personal growth (including the apparent obstacles to it) and your relationships with others, tune in. When stress and tensions mount, take a deep breath and open up to what you can learn from this relationship in this moment.

Here are some possible types of lessons...

The lesson of reflection

No, I do not mean that when your child throws a fit at the shopping mall, his or her behavior is a reflection of the “bad” parent you are!

What I do mean is that every person in your experience can be seen as a mirror of some aspect of you. Maybe your fit-throwing child is a mirror of the overwhelmed way that you also feel, for example.

When someone in your life is pushing your buttons, pause and ask yourself if what he or she is saying or doing is actually a mirror for tendencies that you also have. This is not the most comfortable inner exploring to do.

The benefit is, you can usually get to the root of your irritation more quickly as you see that you are most upset with yourself for feeling, saying or doing something that you label inappropriate in some way.

From that point, you can choose to ease up on both yourself and the other person as you decide how you might change from within. In just about every case, the situation with the other person rapidly improves and then you can make necessary requests of him or her.

The lesson of contrast

When we bump up against resistance with the people in our lives, it can truly be a blessing. No matter how “wrong” you think another person is, your personal growth can expand if you can acknowledge this as a lesson of contrast.

We are all unique beings. This is one of the delicious-- and sometimes the most frustrating-- aspects of living on this wonderful planet.

You can recognize that the choices another person is making do not resonate for you and then use that recognition to further clarify what you do want. You don't have to agree with this person and, in the majority of cases, you can shift your attention back to you and to the choices you want to make for yourself.

The lesson of letting go

This brings us to letting go. Even if you are in a contentious place with your child or your partner, you can learn to let go and allow.

Perhaps you and your teenager simply don't see eye to eye about a particular topic-- or many topics, for instance. Letting go doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries or make agreements about what is acceptable behavior in your home.

What it does mean is that you honor the person you are in a relationship with-- even if the person is a child or teen. You listen to him or her and you speak with integrity and then you stay open to resolutions that allow you both to proceed with dignity and in accordance with who you each are.

We always enter into relationships with others so that we can learn and grow-- though sometimes we don't realize that intention. Through our interactions with these other people, we can begin to live and love more fully...especially if we're willing to learn.

In the next few days, I'll be sharing ideas for how you can improve your relationships when it comes to communication, intimacy, appreciation and mutual support.

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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Boost Your Self Esteem...It Could Be One of the Most Selfless Things You'll Ever Do

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever felt stuck and stagnated in your life but couldn't bring yourself to make a change? You might feel disappointed about who you are and where you are, but you don't feel like you have the time or energy to do anything about it.

It's quite possible that low self esteem is part of the reason why you feel so immobilized and unhappy.

Maybe you already have so many things and people demanding your attention, it seems that there literally is no time for you-- to get that manicure you've always wanted to have, to take a class you're interested in or to start figuring out why you tend to feel inadequate most days.

Even if you had the time, wouldn't it be selfish to spend it on yourself?

If you feel unfulfilled and unworthy, I suggest that it's PAST time for you to offer at least some of your attention to boosting your self esteem. Additionally, bolstering your self esteem is actually a very selfless act!

If you tend to go through life feeling less than good at what you do or even not good at all as a person, you owe it not only to yourself, but to every single person in your life to create space, time and a willingness within yourself to improve your self esteem.

Your low self esteem probably goes way back...
It's likely that your lagging sense of self worth spans back to your preteen and teen years, if not earlier. Studies have shown that girls in particular usually experience a self esteem peak around the age of 9.

These are a scant number of years during which a human being feels worthy and positively about herself (or himself). Boys face challenges to their self esteem as well.

Early experiences and beliefs can also leave deep scars.

As adults, we usually attempt to hide away our emotional scars as well as our low self esteem. But they are there and they rise to the surface in a myriad of ways.

For example, I often become uncomfortable when I am complimented. There are probably a whole host of reasons for this tendency of mine. One is most definitely a belief that I do not deserve that praise-- this is linked in with low self esteem.

I think that it is far more common for adults to experience a lagging sense of self worth than one might expect. After all, we are grown up, we're supposed to be beyond that insecurity thing, right?

Nope.

It's time for each of us to look inside ourselves and begin to notice the times when we put ourselves down, deflect compliments or otherwise shrink away and cut ourselves off from our strengths and passions.

Boosting your self esteem is actually a selfless act...
Even if you are well aware of your low self esteem, you might not be taking steps to improve it because you feel so busy already and the idea of boosting your self worth seems, well, selfish.

Let me put it this way. If you feel inadequate, stagnated and stuck where you are and whom you have become, you are probably the very same way you feel in your relationships with others.

You truly cannot be the loving, giving and valuing partner, parent, son/daughter, co-worker, employee, etc. without feeling love, respect and value for yourself first.

There is little or nothing to give to others in your life except your own dissatisfaction when you continue to ignore or foster low self esteem.

These statements are not meant to guilt trip you into making changes in the way you view yourself. Instead, it is my intention to assert to you that when you take even the tiniest of steps to boost your self esteem everyone in your life-- especially you-- can benefit.

Yes, you might feel resistant to changing even this hurtful habit because it's what you've known for so long. And you may also feel worried about what this might mean to your relationships and your life.

Notice your resistance, your worries and your fears and do this anyway.

Make a choice to begin to feel better about yourself and know that you can (and will) enjoy improved self esteem and an improved life because of it.

In the following days on this blog I will take a deeper look at low self esteem. This includes exploring what fuels low self esteem as well as strategies to develop new habits that will improve self worth and esteem along the way.
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Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.