“I Surrender”

By Amy Phillips-Gary

If you were a warrior on a battlefield or even playing chess or another board game, uttering the words “I surrender” would probably not be a desirable thing to do.

There is a definite association between surrendering and failure or weakness in predominant understandings of the concept.

Nobody wants to be considered weak or a loser.

In order to allow the kind of life and success that you want, however, surrender may be the key.

When conditions in your body, your relationships, your job, your bank account-- your life-- start to feel out of control and are not what you had in mind, you may try to force things back into“line.”

This is what I tend to do.

I find myself pushing against unseen forces that appear to be moving me in a direction that I do not want to go. Or, conversely, I attempt to wrestle my life along if what I want is not happening as quickly as I'd like it to-- or at all.

Just about every time that I've found myself in this “I will force my life to be the way I want it to be” mode, I become worn out and frustrated. This tactic simply does not work.

Many times, in fact, it only gets worse because of my pushing.

When I was taught to drive a car in snow and ice as a teenager, I learned a valuable, even life-saving, lesson. What my father made certain I understood was this: If the car that I'm driving begins to slip and slide, do NOT slam on the brakes and jerk the steering wheel in the opposite direction.

You were possibly taught this same winter driving lesson as well.

Instead, my father made me practice taking my foot off the gas, easing on the brake and gently steering in the direction my car is sliding. From there, the car can more effectively be re-directed back to the road or lane.

Thankfully, the other night when another car came donut-ing out of control into my lane on the highway, those ingrained lessons kicked in. I avoided an accident and didn't even skid or spin.

When you surrender, you release resistance.

You may feel like you slam on the symbolic breaks in your life when conditions feel frightening or unpleasant. Or, you might feel like you ram anything and everything out of your way at full speed trying to force movement when all feels stagnated.

In both cases, you are causing resistance.

Perhaps you butt heads with a person at work with whom you have to complete a project. You might storm around, sigh loudly or silently simmer about this entire situation.

Maybe you are concerned that, because the two of you are such a miserable team, the project will turn out poorly and this will reflect negatively on you. You are wanting to succeed and move up at work and this does not seem to be helping with that goal.

As you can guess, resisting where you are is not going usher in the improvements that you seek.

On the other hand, when you surrender, you release resistance in the form of all of those worries, limiting beliefs, fears and low expectations. You are no longer attempting to force anything at all about this situation.

The beauty and even magic is that it is almost always at this moment of surrender, that unexpected breakthrough moments happen. As you symbolically throw up your hands and let yourself go with the flow, it all-- somehow-- turns out.

Quite often, it all turns out even better than you expected.

Life can come together for you when you stop pushing against. Your dreams can manifest when you no longer force them and, instead, allow them to happen.

When you surrender, you place trust in the Universe.

Ok, so does surrendering to the flow of life mean that we should all just sit around and do nothing?

Of course not.

There is a huge difference between surrender and ambivalence. You can have a very clear and defined focus about where you'd like to go and what you'd like to do with your life.

Rev up your excitement about whatever makes your heart sing. Dream your dreams in high-color and vivid detail.

Then it's time to turn it all over to the Universe.

Whether you look to God, Goddess, Allah, the Universe, Source, Great Spirit or another higher power, allow that presence to provide. Create space so that you can listen for guidance and cues about when it's time to act and when it's time to wait and be patient.

I know, this isn't always the easiest thing to do because it requires trust. It also requires an inner assertion that you are worthy of what you seek-- whether it's happiness, a sense of fulfillment, health and vitality or love.

Give yourself those gifts of trust and worthiness and, as you do, surrender to what life has in store for you. It may surprise and delight you-- if you let it.

Upgrade You: Diet and Fitness Self-Improvement Tips

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Losing weight and exercising more are two resolutions that just about everybody includes on his or her list of self improvements to make.

And just about everyone (with exceptions of course) somewhere along the line falls short of those goals. Those aspirations usually get swept aside and forgotten-- or used as a rationale for self-criticism and beating up on one's self.

If you'd like to upgrade yourself by making improvements in the ways you eat and/or your physical fitness, setting yourself up to succeed is a vital first step.

Too many of us dive right in to a new diet or exercise regimen with high hopes and, for whatever reason, we plateau, get bored or distracted or don't follow through completely. It can seem like we are failures at this. And for this reason, many of us give up trying.

Upgrade in a sustainable way...
Before you start to count calories or head off for your first run in years, I encourage you to get clear about the upgrade you want. From as observational a perspective as you can muster, look at where you are. What are your habits when it comes to eating and exercise? What do you consider your strengths and where are your weaknesses?

In a diet book I'm reading, The Thin Commandments: The Ten No-Fail Strategies for Permanent Weight Loss, author Stephen Gullo advises those who'd like to lose weight to know your food history.

He offers examples of clients he's worked with who, for example, have troublesome histories with cookies, but are not as tempted to binge when it comes to pudding. When a particular client keeps his or her history in mind, that person can actually eat dessert in moderation and continue to shed pounds.

Get to know what your history is with particular foods and then come up with strategies about how you can stay on your path of becoming thinner and do so in sustainable ways.

Think in terms of continually making life choices that are in alignment with the upgrade you desire, instead of short-term and possibly more extreme diets during which you might feel deprived and even starved.

Stay tuned in to your feelings. If you feel overwhelmed or intense emotions when you consider a particular upgrade, take the time to explore those emotions. What possible past events or old beliefs are those feelings tied to? Get curious and discover what you need to resolve as you move forward with these changes.

You can apply the notion of sustainability to your fitness improvements too.

If you tend to get bored on the exercise equipment at the gym, recognize that and come up with different fitness strategies. There countless ways to move your body-- experiment until you find a repertoire that is actually enjoyable.

Upgrade in a process-oriented way...
It's common to set goals for yourself when attempting to improve your fitness and diet. There's nothing wrong with goals, except that sometimes we become so hyper-focused on the outcome and “end goal,” we might miss or belittle our smaller achievements along the way.

I think that it's great to set an intention to lose 25 lbs, 50 lbs or more or less. It's equally wonderful to strive to lift a particular weight, run a certain number of miles and so on. Even so-called "failures" along the way can be viewed as opportunities for learning, clarification and choice.

As I said, goals can be great motivators-- when placed in a particular perspective.

Consider offering most of your attention to how you feel about yourself and your eating and exercise habits from moment-to-moment. Set your longer-term goal and then put it to the side symbolically. It's still there, but the majority of your focus is on the here and now.

Allow yourself a cheer when you find that your pants button easier than they used to, even if you aren't at that goal weight yet. Pat yourself on the back for getting outside for a brisk walk in the chilly rain, even if you aren't running the miles you want to yet.

It is this sense of presence and process that allows your upgrade to sustain and feel great. This practice will support your ability to continue to make improvements in all areas of your life.
**********************************************************************
*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Boost Your Self Esteem: Take a New View of You

By Amy Phillips-Gary

In the final scene of the movie “The Darjeeling Limited,” three brothers who have experienced a quirky and arduous journey together through India run for their train that's already in motion. They carry several pieces of luggage that once belonged to their father. At one point mid-run, each brother throws aside his suitcases and shoulder bags and finally leaps upon that departing train.

Have you ever felt weighted down by your low self esteem?

The limited beliefs and perceptions you have held of your own self worth are like the luggage that the brothers in “The Darjeeling Limited” hefted throughout their adventures in India. Perhaps a part of you is tired of feeling bad or inadequate about yourself.

Isn't it time to throw aside your own “luggage” and free yourself to be the person you have always wanted to be?

The strategies that I've suggested this week-- including stopping your stories and questioning lack mindset-- can help you to release your low self esteem habit. You can create space to take better care of yourself, as I wrote about yesterday.

And within this expanded and freer space, you can also develop a new view of you.

Two keys to improving self esteem are perspective and focus.
When you notice yourself thinking that you can't be, do or have something because of how you are, recognize that your low self esteem beliefs are doing the talking. Next, search for a different perspective of the situation.

Let's say that you hear about an available position at your workplace that would be a step-up from your current one. Perhaps the particular job really appeals to you, but almost as soon as you realize that you'd like to apply for the new job and promotion, a whole host of reasons why you will not ever get that kind of job crowd your mind.

This, of course, is a great time to question your story.

You can also make a conscious decision to adopt a new perspective. Some people find it helpful to literally move and stand in a different place to jar themselves out of the view they've become stuck in.

Make a list of the various ways you could look at this situation.

Write down the way that you currently see your capabilities and your prospects for getting this promotion. Now stretch yourself and write down the way that someone who admires you might see your prospects. How would a person who looked at your resume, training and experience see this? How about a person who knows only your strengths?

If you find yourself solely writing down limitations, return to questioning your story. It might also be helpful to ask a friend or family member to suggest some positive aspects about you that could be different from the perspective you usually take.

Another perspective change you might consider is to ask yourself what would happen if you apply for the promotion and you don't end up getting it. Will you really lose anything by trying? Taking the step to even apply is potentially transformational and it could lead you to eventually attaining that goal.

When you come upon a perspective that feels genuine and bolsters you, take some time to focus in on it. This new perspective might feel foreign and even uncomfortable. But if it still rings true for you on some level, spend time there.

Shift your focus to this different and more self-affirming way of viewing yourself and this situation. You can always return to that hefty “luggage” of low self esteem if that's what you really want. Now, however, you have an expanded range of perspectives to choose from.


You can begin to see the new you more and more of the time.


****************************************************
Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find shorter daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Inner Renovations

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Do you ever feel like you're boxed into a room with a very very low ceiling?

I certainly do at times. It's as if there's some imaginary boundary that's preventing me from moving ahead with my plans and intentions.

Whether it's a ceiling on my finances, my relationships, my creativity and career or my ability to have a healthier fitter body, that blocked feeling is oh so real.

And I put the ceiling there.

It is almost epidemic the way many of us erect ceilings on our own capacity and then act as if we're helplessly trapped.

What's your ceiling look like?
Take some time and identify the ways in which you've constricted your life. It could be that you've modeled the example of the adults who surrounded you as you grew up.

You might want to live a more financially abundant life than your parents, for example, but it seems scary or perhaps even “wrong” to transcend that ceiling you've always known.

The ceiling you've created for yourself may have made sense in your past.

If you experienced abuse, diminishing or making yourself invisible could have been a very smart way to stay safe and preserve your well-being as much as possible.

The boundaries we've set for ourselves are neither good nor bad.

Avoid judgmental labels and devote more of your energy to noticing. Are you moving closer or further away from your goals?

Sometimes we are so accustomed to our habitual ways of living that we simply cannot see the ceiling-- even if it's boxing us in.

We resign ourselves to a life that feels out of our control and we play victim to external forces.

Whenever you find yourself yearning for something different, something more, sit up and take notice. Your discomfort and unhappiness are signaling you to take a deeper look.

Within those inner calls for something new is probably a self-created ceiling.

When you recognize that you are feeling constricted, you are a step closer to freedom.

Dare to be more

“I dare you!”

These are the words kids sometimes use to goad one another.

It might be like those famous movie dares such as retrieving a ball from the scary neighbor's yard or the ill-fated “triple dog dare” that resulted in one kid's tongue sticking to the school's frozen flagpole.

As you probably are well aware, dares like these can lead people to choices that are harmful or just plain foolish.

But a dare can also help you move beyond where you are and to a place where you never dreamed you could go!

You can dare to dissolve that imaginary ceiling and expand. Of course, this can be a scary undertaking and it might even feel like it violates a rule.

When you dare yourself to apply for that grant, quit your job and go back to school, ask an acquaintance out on a date or have that difficult conversation with your partner, you are taking a risk.

There are lots of unknowns and you cannot be assured of how it's all going to work out. It is up to you whether the risk of possibly moving closer to the dream life you have for yourself is worth it.

Perhaps you are 100% sure that you want to take the dare, yet that darn ceiling seems rigid and immovable.

The really wonderful news that you might not want to hear is that you are 100% powerful.

No matter what your current situation is and what your past experience was, you are ultimately the one who created the ceiling in your life and you are the one who can dissolve it.

Keep reminding yourself of where you want to be as you continue to open up to the fact that you can get there. Dismantle the beliefs that might be lending your ceiling strength and rigidity.

Your ceiling may seem to come down all at once, but chances are it will be a gradual process. Create room for expansion within your life one decision at a time.

So get clear about what you want and recognize the obstacles you've set in your own way. Then step out and be more-- I dare you!

Who's Leading Your Life?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Are you a leader?

When you think about leadership, an image of someone like political leaders John F. Kennedy or Barak Obama might come to your mind.

There may also be people in your personal life such as a friend, parent or head of a group to which you belong who are role models and guides for you.

Do you consider yourself a leader in your own life?

This question might sound silly at first read.

How can a person be a leader for him or herself after all?

It's wonderful to be inspired and motivated by others. But when it comes down to it, if you aren't leading your own life-- at least to some degree-- you're probably not directing yourself toward the goals you ultimately want to achieve.

No matter how compelling the person is whom you are choosing to follow, without self-leadership, you are left dependent and even in danger of ending up with a life that was not what you had in mind!

Rather than being practiced at looking outside yourself for what your next step should be, as your own leader you look and listen within for possibilities and then make choices as the primary creator of your life.

How to Be (and not to be) a Leader
There are many ways to be a leader.

You might have encountered a leader who seemed to you to be overbearing or even tyrannical. Many of us have also experienced leaders who seemed untrustworthy or weak, disorganized and confused.

Your self-perceptions might also fit some of these descriptions.

None of these ways of being a leader seem all that competent or capable.

I want the leaders in my life to help direct me toward some desired goal. And I want to feel respected and vital to the team I'm on in the process.

It is the same when you are the leader and you are also the team.

Effective Leadership Qualities:
*Integrity-- trustworthy and follows through
*Clarity-- a vision and plan for the present and future
*Dedication-- persistence and focus
*Openness-- willingness to explore possibilities
*Fairness and Humility-- respect and valuing others and self
*Comportment-- a bodily sense of confidence, clarity and trustworthiness

Embrace the Leader Who is YOU!
I invite you to take a closer look at the kind of leader you tend to be-- for yourself and for others.

Even if you are “only” leading yourself or your children, start to pay closer attention.

What are the beliefs you hold about leaders? Perhaps you experienced leadership as a diminishing or otherwise negative force and now you resist being a leader or following others as leaders.

Make note of the assumptions you make about leaders and leadership and ask yourself if you want to continue to hold onto them.

Is there a new leadership model you'd like to develop? If so, what does it look like? You might include attributes such as those listed above or you may have a completely different set of effective leadership characteristics.

Once you have a clear and positive vision of leadership, begin to embrace yourself as a leader. Try out some of these ways of being.

For example, you might look at yourself in the mirror more often to see how you tend to hold your body. Experiment with different ways of holding yourself and notice how you feel.

Do you feel stronger or weaker in particular shapes? Does this change your life outlook at this moment at all?

This isn't about criticizing or judging yourself as inadequate. It's about learning your comportment habits and deciding to try something new.

What changes might you make in others areas of your life to start being the leader you want to be?

I wish for all of us to fully embrace ourselves as effective and capable leaders. There are certainly times when we look to others for guidance and inspiration. This is one way we come together as a community.

As we each stand confidently and clearly directed toward our visions for the future, we can more fully contribute to that sense of community. We can inspire and guide others and also allow ourselves to be inspired and guided while maintaining our own sense of self in the process.

Imagine an inter-connected world full of assure and capable leaders-- and see yourself as one of them!

Got Dreams?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

What do you dream about?

I'm not talking about those surreal images that fill your sleeping mind in the middle of the night. I'm referring to the dreams or visions you have about your own life and world.

Whether they seem unrealistic, outlandish or downright impossible, dreams are an essential part of you moving forward into the future you want. Dreaming is a powerful and creative act.

Flashback to the U.S. in the 1950s and 60s. A very famous dream was eloquently communicated to the world by the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. He declared, “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

This speech, as well as Dr. King's teachings and actions over the course of his life, are indisputably influential. Other brave leaders have also worked, and are working, to improve race relations in this country. These improvements have come, and continue to unfold, in response to the dreams of these visionaries.

Perhaps your dreams aren't about racial equality. That's ok. Everyone's dreams-- no matter how seemingly significant or insignificant-- are important. It is the degree to which we allow or disallow our dreams that can make a huge impact on our lives and the lives of those around us.

Do you allow yourself to dream?

I admit that I have a very practical sensibility much of the time. My habit tends to be to not go “too far” or ask for “too much.” If I am invited to declare my dream, it's usually a bit tricky for me.

I'm frequently like the kid who's set free in the proverbial “candy shop” but I seem to need to think it through and be “reasonable” about which lollipops, bon bons or chocolate kisses would be the most appropriate choices.

Choosing a path consciously and mindfully is certainly advisable. Charging impulsively forward may take you to a place you don't want to go.

However, I know first-hand that standing frozen, spinning my wheels blocks my dreaming and the future I desire along with it. I may decide on a single caramel, but close the door to so much more.

When you shut down your dreams, you close yourself off to the future you desire.

What's holding you back?
If, like me, you realize that you don't always give yourself permission to dream, it might be helpful to take a deeper look at the resistance within yourself.

You might harbor beliefs about what you think you deserve or don't deserve. Maybe you were taught the false message that you are not worthy of a particular level of happiness or abundance.

It could be you resist dreaming because, on some level, you think there is only so much of the “good stuff” to go around. To you, living frugally or denying yourself is the only way to improve other people's lives.

It doesn't matter if your tamped down dreams relate to money, happiness or health. And regardless of how compassionate you want to be, when you hold yourself back, you simply cannot uplift or inspire anyone-- yourself or others.

What are your favorites?
Take a look at your resistance to dreaming. Take steps toward healing the wounds you may be carrying from the past. Turn your old limiting beliefs around and create new ones that support you en-visioning the future you want.

When you feel more open and excited about life, make a list of your preferences and desires. Simply write down whatever comes into your mind when you ask yourself questions such as:

*“What do I want?”

*“What is my vision for my future?”

*“What do my dream life, relationship, bank account, career, and world look like?”

How do I get from here to there?
Sometimes resistance to dreaming is rooted in feeling overwhelmed or concerns about how to “make” the dream actually occur. The desired outcome of the vision seems so far away or even incomprehensible; you might feel stuck and settle back into old habits of resistance.

Make it your intention to focus mainly on the vision itself and how great it feels when you permit yourself to think about actualizing your dream. Re-read your list of preferences and desires often.

Set aside concerns about how you will literally get from where you are to where you want to be. Opportunities often exist that we simply don't allow ourselves to see. Expand your view and notice how much freer and more empowered you feel.

Pay attention to the choices you are making. Sometimes your usual habits serve you and point you toward your dream and other times choosing a different option will more effectively take you where you want to go.

Above all, give yourself permission to dream and then keep on dreaming, no matter how practical or “realistic” you tend to be. Allow yourself to play around and create a vision for how you'd like your life and world to be. Next, open up and watch it unfold...