Practice Makes...

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Practice makes perfect-- no, that's such a loaded word.

Practice helps bring about change, but it can be difficult to actually initiate and then stick to it.

I remember loathing sitting down at the piano each day to practice as I was growing up. This was most definitely a source of conflict between my mom and I.

Today, I goad my own self to practice various things and I experience similar, though internal, struggle.

For example, I'm all charged up about breathing lately.

I'm reading a wonderful book called Conscious Breathing: Breathwork for Health, Stress Release, and Personal Mastery by Gay Hendricks and I am convinced that, as the author asserts, the physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual aspects of my life can improve by breathing deeply, slowly and diaphragmatically more of the time.

The challenge is, I have pretty much always been a mouth breather. According to Hendricks (and my own observations), mouth breathing not only allows more unfiltered air into my body, it also tends to be shallower and limited to the chest.

Practicing conscious breathing has become a new goal for me. Each and every day-- throughout the day-- I am trying to remember to pause and pay attention to my breathing. When I do this, I deliberately breathe through my nose and drop my breath down.

As much as I want to re-learn how to breathe, life often comes swooping in and I find myself falling back into old patterns. I realize that I am sucking in air via my mouth when I get busy, stressed or am even just zoning out.

You might not care much about the way that you breathe. But it's quite likely that there are habits that you would like to change.

Practicing is the best way that I know of to bring about the change you seek.

Right now, you probably are hearing that amorphous “parent” out there telling you that it's time to practice which is absolutely the LAST thing you want to do.

I'm with you. At first glance, practice sounds like no fun, hard work and downright boring.

You are always practicing something.

When you really think about this, however, each one of us is always practicing something.

In the dictionary, the word “practice” is defined as: “a habitual or customary performance” and also as: “repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency.”

As you brush your teeth, you are practicing dental hygiene. When tell your children and your partner that you love them, you are practicing expressing how you feel.

When you tell yourself that you can't follow through with a particular aspiration because you are too old, don't have the right training or education or simply can't make room for that in your life...you are practicing.

We all practice behaviors, ways of being and beliefs all of the time.

So when you want to make a change, yet you feel resistant to actually incorporating this new way into your life, remind yourself that you already are practicing-- you are just practicing the habit that is holding you where you possibly no longer want to remain.

It's a mind game, I know.

But if re-thinking the whole notion of practice helps you to motivate yourself, why not try it?

Practice is a program or a re-programming.

As I sit here at my computer dealing with not enough sleep, a kid with a sore throat who needs my attention and an intention to accomplish a certain amount of work, I am given the opportunity to practice.

I can unconsciously rely on my accustomed manner of breathing to merely stay alive or I can create some space in my awareness for conscious breathing and potentially increase my vitality.

It's truly a moment-by-moment decision-making process.

As you know, with just about anything you've ever learned in your life, the more experience you have doing a new skill or action, the more naturally it happens for you.

Think of practice as a program that you are running in your mind/body. When you are trying to change an already established habit, it's a re-programming.

In either case, as you repeat this new or different way of being, thinking or acting, it becomes imprinted in your body memory. New neural connections can form in your brain as you practice this preferred habit.

Today I encourage you to recognize that all of your thoughts and actions are practices that you can choose to change or to continue, depending on what you desire.

It's up to you and your willingness to practice.

Improve Your Relationships...and Watch Your Personal Growth Soar

By Amy Phillips-Gary

This is a blog about personal growth, right? So why am I writing about relationships this week?

It's because-- as you possibly already know-- relationships play an integral role in your personal growth.

The relationships we have with our partner, children, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others can be the means by which we continue to bang up against the same wall and stay stuck in the muck of limiting habits OR they can promote our learning and expansion on personal as well as relational levels.

Perhaps you have struggled with insecurity for as long as you can remember.

If so, your uncertain and probably overly-critical view of yourself undoubtedly shows up in various ways in your relationships. Maybe you are frequently jealous around your partner. You possibly feel stuck in a job with little or no respect and a low paycheck to match. You might feel bullied by a difficult neighbor.

If you take a bird's eye view of your entire life, you can trace lines of connection between you-- your biggest challenges-- and the people with whom you spend your time.

Because there is such a strong link between your personal growth (including the apparent obstacles to it) and your relationships with others, tune in. When stress and tensions mount, take a deep breath and open up to what you can learn from this relationship in this moment.

Here are some possible types of lessons...

The lesson of reflection

No, I do not mean that when your child throws a fit at the shopping mall, his or her behavior is a reflection of the “bad” parent you are!

What I do mean is that every person in your experience can be seen as a mirror of some aspect of you. Maybe your fit-throwing child is a mirror of the overwhelmed way that you also feel, for example.

When someone in your life is pushing your buttons, pause and ask yourself if what he or she is saying or doing is actually a mirror for tendencies that you also have. This is not the most comfortable inner exploring to do.

The benefit is, you can usually get to the root of your irritation more quickly as you see that you are most upset with yourself for feeling, saying or doing something that you label inappropriate in some way.

From that point, you can choose to ease up on both yourself and the other person as you decide how you might change from within. In just about every case, the situation with the other person rapidly improves and then you can make necessary requests of him or her.

The lesson of contrast

When we bump up against resistance with the people in our lives, it can truly be a blessing. No matter how “wrong” you think another person is, your personal growth can expand if you can acknowledge this as a lesson of contrast.

We are all unique beings. This is one of the delicious-- and sometimes the most frustrating-- aspects of living on this wonderful planet.

You can recognize that the choices another person is making do not resonate for you and then use that recognition to further clarify what you do want. You don't have to agree with this person and, in the majority of cases, you can shift your attention back to you and to the choices you want to make for yourself.

The lesson of letting go

This brings us to letting go. Even if you are in a contentious place with your child or your partner, you can learn to let go and allow.

Perhaps you and your teenager simply don't see eye to eye about a particular topic-- or many topics, for instance. Letting go doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries or make agreements about what is acceptable behavior in your home.

What it does mean is that you honor the person you are in a relationship with-- even if the person is a child or teen. You listen to him or her and you speak with integrity and then you stay open to resolutions that allow you both to proceed with dignity and in accordance with who you each are.

We always enter into relationships with others so that we can learn and grow-- though sometimes we don't realize that intention. Through our interactions with these other people, we can begin to live and love more fully...especially if we're willing to learn.

In the next few days, I'll be sharing ideas for how you can improve your relationships when it comes to communication, intimacy, appreciation and mutual support.

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*Personal Growth Planet blog is taking part in National Blog Posting Month (http://www.nablopomo.com/). Every weekday in November, you'll find daily blogs linked by weekly themes.

Forgiveness: Deconstructed and Re-Fashioned

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Being brought up a Methodist, I listened to many Christian teachings in church about how vital it is to forgive.

Each Sunday we asked to be “forgiven for our trespasses” and were also taught that God forgives each one of us for our sins; that Jesus died for our sins was certainly made clear over and over again.

We were all supposed to follow Jesus' and God's examples and forgive.

The beliefs I formed about forgiveness were rooted in the notion that one person (or group) is to blame for whatever “bad” thing has happened and that the forgiver is undertaking a very selfless act.

To me, forgiveness came off as quite a lofty action. It is a gesture of grace extended to the person who was “wrong” or hurtful.

Unfortunately, beliefs like this about forgiveness did not encourage me to actually do it.

What I retained from my years as a Methodist are not necessarily the way all Christians believe-- and they aren't necessarily good, bad, right or wrong. This article is not meant to be a critique of Christianity or any particular religious teaching.

The point here is to take a closer look at how my previous beliefs about forgiveness-- which might be similar to yours-- kept me stuck in the pain of the past.

From that place of awareness, we all can then open up to releasing and clearing the past and moving ahead toward the lives we want for ourselves and our world.

The Forgiveness Tradition Deconstructed

There are certainly elements of wrongfulness and shame linked to forgiveness in its predominant understanding.

A clear "bad" person and “good” person are involved in whatever happened-- a perpetrator and a victim. There can be something secretly gratifying about pointing a finger of blame at another person who cowers in his or her “wickedness” in a corner somewhere.

Especially if you are hurting and the actions or words of this other person were directly linked to your pain, blaming and then granting forgiveness can seem very powerful-- in a (dare I admit this?) self-righteous way.

The only problem is, the facade of power can become alluring. The focus can become limited to the “bad” actions and the damage that seemed to result instead of on truly letting go.

Unfortunately, this focus leaves us caught up in the past.

Another block to forgiveness also plays out as resistance to letting go.

To forgive might be a Godly act, but it can appear that someone “gets away” with whatever the harmful behavior was as a result. Anyone who has ever experienced hurt or betrayal knows how important it can feel for your difficult experience to be validated and acknowledged.

There is nothing wrong with standing up and declaring “I was hurt” or “This is not okay with me.”

The trouble lies in the intense attachment to the painful event. This not only stands in the way of forgiveness, it cements all involved-- including the person who feels hurt-- in the past.

A Re-Fashioning of Forgiveness

For the time being, set aside everything you might believe about forgiveness. I know, this can seem difficult but give it a try anyway.

Ask yourself which is more important to you: Continuing to re-experience and solidify the pain and the past or clearing yourself so that you can live more fully in the present as you create a freer and happier future for yourself?

It can be as simple as asking questions like this.

Keep this priority at the forefront of your consciousness as you decide your next step toward forgiveness.

You can practice forgiveness on a moment-by-moment basis. Tune in to what you need right now. Acknowledge what's true for you and make the completions you are drawn towards.

Above all, love yourself enough to forgive and release.

You might find it helpful to create some affirmations. For example: “I love myself enough to release the past and open up to my desired future. I easily forgive others and myself.”

Find words that positively resonate for you and keep you lined up with what you want. Write them down and speak them aloud as often as you need to.

When it comes down to it, forgiveness has very little to do with any other person but you yourself. It is an assertion that you are ready to release the pain and torment and begin to live the life you want to live.

Forgiveness is truly a gift you give to you. It is a deeply empowering and self-centered-- in a wonderful way-- kind of act.

Something Is Standing In My Way...Oh Wait, It's Me!?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever been so close to having the job, relationship, car, vacation, or whatever it is that you want but something happens that seems to prevent you from actually having that desire come into fruition?

What is it that blasted thing or person that's standing in between you and what you want?

When I've been in such a place, I sometimes delude myself into thinking that it's another person or some outside force that is the spoiler.

This delusion is the “easy way” to deal with my frustration and disappointment that what I want is not happening anytime soon. Unfortunately, this “easy way” also gives all of the creative power to somebody or some entity apart from myself.

I am off the hook, so to speak, but I am also left feeling quite a bit helpless.

When I really look at what's going on in my life and I ask myself why I'm not living the ecstatically happy and blissfully abundant experience I crave, I am the main reason why.

Of course, I have so much that's going wonderfully in my life. I appreciate and acknowledge how truly blessed I am.

And of course, I do not live in a vacuum. There are other people, institutions and organizations that impact my life.

But it's time to stop pretending that these outside forces are determining my experience!

Obstacles of our own making

Almost every single one of us short-circuits our own desires at times to lesser and greater degrees.

As much as you claim that you want to start your own business, meet your perfect partner or travel the world, it's quite likely that the reason you haven't moved closer to realizing these aspirations is you.

Even if what you want is not a huge change or move from what you know right now, you can still stand in your own way.

Why?

Sometimes we put up obstacles to what we want because we actually don't want those things-- or we feel conflicted.

When your heart is not in whatever it is you are doing, it makes perfect sense that you would drag yourself along-- possibly even kicking and screaming!

Other times you are clearer about what you want, but you don't feel deserving of actually having it. So many of us lug around old beliefs about ourselves, the world and others from our past.

Like the proverbial self-fulfilling prophecy, you expect yourself to mess up when it really counts-- with your partner, your kids, your friends and at work-- and so you do.

So when the breakup happens, the fights occur or the promotion never comes, you are not surprised.

Clear the way

Blues singer Keb Mo sings: “Get out the way and let your light shine.” These are wonderfully wise words...but don't always seem easy to do!

In order to get out of your own way and start manifesting what you want in life, you need to clear up your self-limiting habits.

Start to notice what it is you believe and acknowledge that these beliefs might have made sense at one time in your past-- try not to cast blame or judgments on yourself.

When you uncover a belief, ask yourself if it feels open and expansive or closed and limiting.

What happens to your shoulders, your jaw, the pit of your stomach? Even a slight tension or sense of holding can signal that a particular thought or belief is keeping you stuck.

I don't advise you to start re-living your past, but it can be extremely helpful to offer yourself extra love and care around those tight and tense areas that link to limiting beliefs rooted in your past.

You might find that you need to make a completion about something in the past that is lending extra intensity to your beliefs. If so, follow through and do that.

Remember to be gentle and loving with yourself. Know that you have the power to clear up your thoughts and create space for new ways of living.

From this clearer space, allow what you want to unfold. Don't force it or try to “make” your dreams happen.

Act when you are inspired to act, even when it seems crazy or different than what you'd usually do.

Remind yourself that you are supported, loved and worthy. Cultivate trust in yourself, your inner knowing and your Source.

As you let these truths fill your thinking and your whole being, there is literally nothing you cannot do!

Got Dreams?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

What do you dream about?

I'm not talking about those surreal images that fill your sleeping mind in the middle of the night. I'm referring to the dreams or visions you have about your own life and world.

Whether they seem unrealistic, outlandish or downright impossible, dreams are an essential part of you moving forward into the future you want. Dreaming is a powerful and creative act.

Flashback to the U.S. in the 1950s and 60s. A very famous dream was eloquently communicated to the world by the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. He declared, “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

This speech, as well as Dr. King's teachings and actions over the course of his life, are indisputably influential. Other brave leaders have also worked, and are working, to improve race relations in this country. These improvements have come, and continue to unfold, in response to the dreams of these visionaries.

Perhaps your dreams aren't about racial equality. That's ok. Everyone's dreams-- no matter how seemingly significant or insignificant-- are important. It is the degree to which we allow or disallow our dreams that can make a huge impact on our lives and the lives of those around us.

Do you allow yourself to dream?

I admit that I have a very practical sensibility much of the time. My habit tends to be to not go “too far” or ask for “too much.” If I am invited to declare my dream, it's usually a bit tricky for me.

I'm frequently like the kid who's set free in the proverbial “candy shop” but I seem to need to think it through and be “reasonable” about which lollipops, bon bons or chocolate kisses would be the most appropriate choices.

Choosing a path consciously and mindfully is certainly advisable. Charging impulsively forward may take you to a place you don't want to go.

However, I know first-hand that standing frozen, spinning my wheels blocks my dreaming and the future I desire along with it. I may decide on a single caramel, but close the door to so much more.

When you shut down your dreams, you close yourself off to the future you desire.

What's holding you back?
If, like me, you realize that you don't always give yourself permission to dream, it might be helpful to take a deeper look at the resistance within yourself.

You might harbor beliefs about what you think you deserve or don't deserve. Maybe you were taught the false message that you are not worthy of a particular level of happiness or abundance.

It could be you resist dreaming because, on some level, you think there is only so much of the “good stuff” to go around. To you, living frugally or denying yourself is the only way to improve other people's lives.

It doesn't matter if your tamped down dreams relate to money, happiness or health. And regardless of how compassionate you want to be, when you hold yourself back, you simply cannot uplift or inspire anyone-- yourself or others.

What are your favorites?
Take a look at your resistance to dreaming. Take steps toward healing the wounds you may be carrying from the past. Turn your old limiting beliefs around and create new ones that support you en-visioning the future you want.

When you feel more open and excited about life, make a list of your preferences and desires. Simply write down whatever comes into your mind when you ask yourself questions such as:

*“What do I want?”

*“What is my vision for my future?”

*“What do my dream life, relationship, bank account, career, and world look like?”

How do I get from here to there?
Sometimes resistance to dreaming is rooted in feeling overwhelmed or concerns about how to “make” the dream actually occur. The desired outcome of the vision seems so far away or even incomprehensible; you might feel stuck and settle back into old habits of resistance.

Make it your intention to focus mainly on the vision itself and how great it feels when you permit yourself to think about actualizing your dream. Re-read your list of preferences and desires often.

Set aside concerns about how you will literally get from where you are to where you want to be. Opportunities often exist that we simply don't allow ourselves to see. Expand your view and notice how much freer and more empowered you feel.

Pay attention to the choices you are making. Sometimes your usual habits serve you and point you toward your dream and other times choosing a different option will more effectively take you where you want to go.

Above all, give yourself permission to dream and then keep on dreaming, no matter how practical or “realistic” you tend to be. Allow yourself to play around and create a vision for how you'd like your life and world to be. Next, open up and watch it unfold...

Treat Your Life to a Meditation Infusion

Would you like to feel more alert, energized, happier and healthier? Well, who wouldn't!? If so, you might consider meditation.

You could be like me and know the benefits of regular meditation but just don't make the time for it. Or, you may feel resistant to meditation because of what you perceive about the practice.

If you can set aside the perceptions you may have of meditation and open up to infusing your life with this enriching practice, you could be pleasantly surprised at how great you feel...and how easy it can be.

If you aren't familiar with the benefits of regularly meditating, here are a few:

*relaxation and stress reduction
*lower blood pressure
*increased oxygen to cells
*improvement of chronic diseases such as allergies and arthritis
*greater mental clarity
*increased serotonin, a naturally-occurring mood enhancer

And these physical and psychological improvements come without any of the undesirable side effects you might find with prescription drugs!

If it's so great, why don't more of us meditate more of the time?

Maybe you can't seem to get the image out of your mind of the meditating yogi sitting with legs pretzel-ed, eyes closed, shut off from the “real world.”

Meditation might seem intimidating to you. It sounds or looks difficult and, after all, you might wonder how you can fit one more thing into your day.

Because of your religious beliefs you might feel averse to meditation. It is often associated with Eastern spiritual practices such as Buddhism or Hinduism and you may not want to veer from the path you've chosen.

It is true that meditation is core to many spiritual practices-- this includes Christianity, believe it or not. Meditation takes various forms and can be a way to connect with a higher sense of self or a divine power, depending on what you believe.

Meditation can also be practiced without any explicitly spiritual or religious dimension at all. It is completely up to you to decide why you meditate and how you will practices.

Meditation cushion not required....

There are many many ways to meditate. Some do involve more physically demanding postures, extended time frames for sitting and chants or mantras. But what I'm suggesting here is a bit different.

By infusing your life with meditation, you literally bring meditation into more areas of your everyday life-- the walking around, answering the phone, brushing your teeth sort of moments. And with this meditation infusion, you potentially revitalize each and every moment.

Zen Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh is one teacher who has proposed incorporating meditation into everyday activities. He leads others in walking meditation, for example. Learning how to meditate while walking is a great starting point for infusing your life with meditation.

Walk the meditative walk...

Walk with presence. Consciously take your attention out of your head and move it down to your feet. Notice how it feels as your feet or shoes connect with the ground. Breathe as you step. When your mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to your breath and to that connecting between your body and the Earth.

You can do this when walking to your car, walking your dog, or even walking through your local grocery store. Walking meditation can be practiced indoors and outside.

The secret here is to keep your attention focused on this present moment. Really tune in to how your body feels as you take each step. As you breathe and step, watch as your body loosens and a greater sense of peace comes over you.

At its core, walking meditation is about breath, your focused awareness of your own body and a sense of openness.

There's no end to what you can do meditatively...

Take the walking meditation and expand it to other activities. You might set an intention that you will infuse a particular activity with meditation and then try it out.

For example, you might consciously decide to wash the dinner dishes in a meditative manner one evening. As you fill the sink with soap and water, breathe. While wiping down a plate, breathe and notice the connection between your hand, the soapy water and the dish.

The next evening, you could choose to wash the dishes as you might usually do-- which probably involves a less present mind and little or no attention to your breathing. What feels different about these two experiences?

Breathe deeply and step mindfully into meditation-- no matter what you are doing. The only thing you really need is a willingness to try this new way of living and an intention to keep returning to it.
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For more information about Thich Nhat Hanh visit http://www.plumvillage.org/
For more detailed suggestions for walking meditation visit http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/articles/walkingmeditation.html