Peace Talks

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It is nearly impossible to share love with others and your world if you do not fully love yourself.

Sure, I've heard this before and I whole-heartedly believe it.

It's super easy for me to love and feel at peace with myself after I've connected deeply with another person, helped out a stranger or was given a compliment.

At those times I feel warm, fuzzy and all aglow. I am proud walking around as me and these great feelings spill over as I easily appreciate the wondrousness of all around me.

Then there are those other moments. After I've snapped at my kids or my partner; when I look in the mirror and see flaws (or worse) in my reflection; and when I think, say or do something that literally makes me feel ashamed.

In times like these I clamp down, cave in, tighten up and the warmth and glow are quickly extinguished.

During those other moments, I feel about as far away from peace as can be.

Loving yourself and being at peace with who you are (all of it) is essential and required if you want to give to others and be of benefit to your community and world.

How many of us strive to truly love ourselves completely?

When you're in a place of self-love, your entire perspective of others and life is positively enhanced. You can more easily see and appreciate aspects of others and situations when you grant yourself complete love.

I think that loving yourself sometimes gets a bad rap. I know that there is a part of me that associates self-love with narcissism or being self-centered.

In actuality, those who are labeled vain, arrogant or narcissistic quite often feel hollow and lacking within.

When a person is truly at peace with him or herself, there is an underlying calm, assurance and confidence about the person. There is a sense of love that is present and even unconditional.

It is delightfully contagious.

Even when I set aside the negative associations that are linked to notions of self-love, it can still seem tricky to actually love myself no matter what.

To love yourself unconditionally does not mean that you are claiming to be perfect in the sense that you have no more room to grow, learn and improve.

We all have “bad” habits, “ugly” aspects or “embarrassing” traits. Let's just face it.

The key to learning to love yourself is to appreciate everything about you and who you are right now-- even the stuff you cringe about.

In fact, if you'd like to make a change in your life, noticing what you don't like and then loving yourself -- including the habit, trait or aspect-- is a first step to opening up to a new way of living.

As you become aware of what you don't like about yourself, pay close attention to what you do next.

If, as I have done in the past, you turn against yourself and rail on internally about how horrible it is that you are or do _________ , just stop right there.

Even if, at this moment, you can't love yourself for being judgmental, having the body you have or yelling at your kids, at the very least you can pause before you take yourself further down the road of self-loathing.

Set up peace talks between you and you.

This might mean that you start looking more deeply at this habit or tendency of yours that you do not like. Don't analyze or try to rationalize it.

Instead, feel into yourself and acknowledge that there is some purpose this aspect has served in your past or in the present.

There truly aren't any “bad” habits-- there are merely those that take us in a direction we want to go and those that take us to unwanted places. Sometimes the consequences are desired; other times they are detrimental or even dangerous.

And this can change over time.

What was once a useful, even necessary, skill for dealing with a set of circumstances may now be an obstacle to you reaching the goals you currently have.

As you attain a deeper understanding of your tendencies and acknowledge the ways that they might have served you in the past (or even the present), you can soften and begin to ease up on yourself.

You might decide that you are ready to make different choices and respond in a new way. Or you might decide to stay the same for now. Neither have to be done at the expense of self-love.

You don't have to castigate yourself in order to improve. In fact, from this ease-full and open place, you can usually glide into the change you want rather than battle yourself to get there.

It all comes down to love.

Something Is Standing In My Way...Oh Wait, It's Me!?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever been so close to having the job, relationship, car, vacation, or whatever it is that you want but something happens that seems to prevent you from actually having that desire come into fruition?

What is it that blasted thing or person that's standing in between you and what you want?

When I've been in such a place, I sometimes delude myself into thinking that it's another person or some outside force that is the spoiler.

This delusion is the “easy way” to deal with my frustration and disappointment that what I want is not happening anytime soon. Unfortunately, this “easy way” also gives all of the creative power to somebody or some entity apart from myself.

I am off the hook, so to speak, but I am also left feeling quite a bit helpless.

When I really look at what's going on in my life and I ask myself why I'm not living the ecstatically happy and blissfully abundant experience I crave, I am the main reason why.

Of course, I have so much that's going wonderfully in my life. I appreciate and acknowledge how truly blessed I am.

And of course, I do not live in a vacuum. There are other people, institutions and organizations that impact my life.

But it's time to stop pretending that these outside forces are determining my experience!

Obstacles of our own making

Almost every single one of us short-circuits our own desires at times to lesser and greater degrees.

As much as you claim that you want to start your own business, meet your perfect partner or travel the world, it's quite likely that the reason you haven't moved closer to realizing these aspirations is you.

Even if what you want is not a huge change or move from what you know right now, you can still stand in your own way.

Why?

Sometimes we put up obstacles to what we want because we actually don't want those things-- or we feel conflicted.

When your heart is not in whatever it is you are doing, it makes perfect sense that you would drag yourself along-- possibly even kicking and screaming!

Other times you are clearer about what you want, but you don't feel deserving of actually having it. So many of us lug around old beliefs about ourselves, the world and others from our past.

Like the proverbial self-fulfilling prophecy, you expect yourself to mess up when it really counts-- with your partner, your kids, your friends and at work-- and so you do.

So when the breakup happens, the fights occur or the promotion never comes, you are not surprised.

Clear the way

Blues singer Keb Mo sings: “Get out the way and let your light shine.” These are wonderfully wise words...but don't always seem easy to do!

In order to get out of your own way and start manifesting what you want in life, you need to clear up your self-limiting habits.

Start to notice what it is you believe and acknowledge that these beliefs might have made sense at one time in your past-- try not to cast blame or judgments on yourself.

When you uncover a belief, ask yourself if it feels open and expansive or closed and limiting.

What happens to your shoulders, your jaw, the pit of your stomach? Even a slight tension or sense of holding can signal that a particular thought or belief is keeping you stuck.

I don't advise you to start re-living your past, but it can be extremely helpful to offer yourself extra love and care around those tight and tense areas that link to limiting beliefs rooted in your past.

You might find that you need to make a completion about something in the past that is lending extra intensity to your beliefs. If so, follow through and do that.

Remember to be gentle and loving with yourself. Know that you have the power to clear up your thoughts and create space for new ways of living.

From this clearer space, allow what you want to unfold. Don't force it or try to “make” your dreams happen.

Act when you are inspired to act, even when it seems crazy or different than what you'd usually do.

Remind yourself that you are supported, loved and worthy. Cultivate trust in yourself, your inner knowing and your Source.

As you let these truths fill your thinking and your whole being, there is literally nothing you cannot do!

Don't Get Mad, Do Yoga!

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Have you ever felt so angry, you could hardly see straight? Or maybe you were overwhelmed by fear and felt closed off and small inside. Perhaps, your brain seemed in a fog-- it was next to impossible for you to think clearly....

We've all been there.

Whether it's feeling mad, sad, afraid or even spacey, sometimes it seems as if we are stuck in particular emotions or a certain mood and we just can't figure out a way to move through it and release.

Have you ever tried yoga in cases like this?

Yoga's Health Benefits

You probably are aware of the physical health benefits of yoga. This practice is a fabulous way to increase your flexibility and strengthen core muscles in your body.

A regular yoga practice can also help you be more relaxed which usually means your blood pressure will stay in a healthy zone. Many practitioners experience a greater mental clarity and ability to focus as other positive side-effects of yoga.

Each yoga pose, or asana, targets particular areas of the body and even specific organs.

When it comes to your emotions, the asanas act in a similar way.

5 Yoga Poses to Ease Challenging Emotions:

Please research and learn more about each of these yoga asanas before attempting them. Yoga can fit just about anyone's fitness capabilities, but it is important that you be informed about the poses.

The asana descriptions I provide below are not meant to be instructional.

If you notice yourself feeling out of sorts but you're not sure why, take a few moments to tune in to what you are feeling. Give most attention to the emotions you are experiencing and less to any stories you associate with the emotions.

Remember to breathe...
Bring your awareness deeper into yourself and your body by breathing from your abdomen. Inhale slowly through your nose and allow your abdomen to move out away from your spine. Now exhale slowly and let your abdomen move back toward your spine to it's more usual position.

Yoga Pose #1: Mountain (*Tadasana)

Mountain pose is a deceptively simple asana. You basically stand up tall on the floor. Feet are hip-width apart and your hands are loose at your sides. Breathe and feel yourself connect with the Earth as you hold this pose.

As you might expect, Mountain pose can help you ground yourself when you feel flighty, scattered or you just can't focus. When you direct your attention to your feet as they connect with the floor and symbolically the Earth that supports you, you can more easily come back to the present moment and improved clarity.

Yoga Pose #2: Warrior (Virabhadrasana)

There are several variations of the Warrior pose. Most involve standing to the side with your legs and feet apart. Front foot faces the front and the back foot is perpendicular to the front.

Depending on the version of Warrior you choose, your arms will be out and parallel to the floor or up over your head pointed toward the sky. This asana often involves shifting your weight toward the front and slightly bending the knee.

If you are feeling fearful,weak, or ineffectual, try Warrior pose. As you stand in this courage-enhancing asana, you can feel into your own power that might before have seemed hidden.

Yoga Pose #3: Triangle (Trikonasana)

Triangle is considered one of the most essential and core poses there are in many yoga traditions. It is similar to Warrior and can be practiced in conjunction with it. Again, there are variations to Triangle.

Your feet are the same as in the Warrior pose. Your arms are out and parallel to the floor. This time, your legs stay straight as you bend from the side to reach your front arm toward your front foot on the floor as your other arm raises up behind you.

Triangle is the quintessential balancing pose. It can be extremely helpful if you are feeling stuck or stubborn about some belief or position you are holding.

You might be having a difficult time seeing another's person's point of view. Or it could be that you feel like you have “no options” in a situation.

If so, see if holding the triangle pose helps you loosen up and open up.

Yoga Pose #4: Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Downward Facing Dog pose is another favorite among those who practice yoga. You start out on your hands and knees and then slowly place your feet on the floor behind you, arms on the floor in front of you and your eyes comfortably looking down at the floor or your stomach. Your body forms a triangle shape.

Downward Facing Dog is a wonderful pose and stretch. And when you feel angry, constriction often results. Go into Downward Facing Dog when you are irritated or mad. The symbolic submission to the situation can help you release your anger and, perhaps, take a different clearer-headed view of whatever is going on.

Yoga Pose #5: Handstand (Adho Mukha Vrksasana)

The Handstand pose can be difficult or seem scary to beginners, but it can also be easily worked up to. Find a wall with plenty of space around and behind you. Start out facing the wall and then go into Downward Facing Dog with your hands and head near the wall.

Next, gently kick up into a handstand and allow your feet to land against the wall for support. Hold it as long as you are able to.

There are certainly times when a situation seems totally opposed to what you intended or wanted. You might feel frustrated or distressed about where you are and simply not know how to turn yourself around to point where you want to go.

Inverted asanas such as Handstand can help you literally turn a situation on its head! You might not be able to hold this pose for more than a few seconds at first, but the shifting benefits can still be felt.

When you are feeling out of sorts and stuck in a mood, take a deep breath and try some yoga.

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*I have listed the Sanskrit name for each of the poses for your information. In a yoga class or other resource, these asanas might be referred to in the Sanskrit.

*Visit http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/info/downward-facing-dog.asp for fuller descriptions and graphics of all of the asanas described in this article.

What Did You Expect?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

Recently, esteemed Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested after he was “caught” “breaking in” to his own home in Massachusetts.

A call about suspicious activity at the house was reported to police who arrived to find Professor Gates, an African-American man, and his driver trying to force entrance into Gates' home because the front door was stuck.

What might have been a harmless and easily explained encounter quickly escalated and Gates ended up being booked for disorderly conduct.

In the aftermath of this incident, allegations of racism have been lobbed about and even U.S. President Barack Obama declared that the police acted “stupidly.”

I wasn't at the scene of this very unfortunate incident. I have not spoken with either Professor Gates or the police officers involved.

What I suspect, however, is that this situation did not have to turn out this way. The expectations of probably all involved created a scene in which an innocent man was arrested and a potential lawsuit with negative ramifications could follow.

So was racism a motivator in this case?

Yes, it probably was.

The U.S. has a long history of racism that will take a long time to unlearn. But that does not necessarily mean that the police officers involved are members of the KKK or even that they consciously or regularly discriminate against people who are not white-skinned.

I speculate that a context of racism-- that Professor Gates studies, observes and has probably experienced-- also played a role in Gates' reaction to being approached and questioned by the white police officers arriving on the scene with a report of a break-in.

Expectations on both sides most likely led to this situation that could have ended without incident.

What are your expectations?

We expect a bridge to hold us up as we drive over it. We expect the people we care about to support us when we need them. We expect the sun to rise and then set each day.

Most of us also harbor expectations that people will behave in specific ways because of the identity markers such as race, sex, class, ethnicity, age and sexuality we perceive.

We all have expectations, yet most of us don't realize how motivated we are by them.

When you tune in and begin to listen to your own expectations, you might be surprised and, perhaps, even feel a little ashamed. I can find within myself particular expectations that I am not too proud of.

Our expectations do not have to be categorized as dichotomously either “good” or “bad.” Instead, you could acknowledge what you discover about yourself and ask if it's pointing you in a direction you desire.

Are the expectations you have of yourself, your life and others-- whether they be family, friends or complete strangers-- allowing you to live the way you want to live?

This is the question to consider.

Too many times, our expectations severely limit us. We become closed in and stuck with a “this is the way it is” or “that is the way he or she is/I am” kind of mindset.

Open up and meet each person in the present

To acknowledge and question your expectations requires you to stay tuned in to your feelings and thoughts.

Expectations can sometimes feel narrow and closed. It's as if your beliefs and perceptions of yourself and others are like that stuck front door to Professor Gates' home.

What can you do to bring more ease to a situation so that your own symbolic door can freely open?

You might encourage yourself to form new expectations. Despite what you've learned, been told or have previously experienced, perhaps now you are willing to expect to connect and interact with others in peaceful and loving ways.

Meet every person and situation you come upon as if for the first time-- with an open heart and mind.

Practice staying present and awake. Really listen to what the people you are with are saying. Feel into yourself to decide-- in each moment-- how you want to respond to what's going on.

You might just be astounded by the effects.

A Big Ole Belly Laugh

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It's a usual day on the metro. People read, listen to music or chat quietly with each other as they travel from one place to another.

Suddenly, a man-- sitting by himself-- begins to laugh quite loudly and boisterously. Those around him begin to look and wonder what has caused this man to laugh so heartily.

And then it happens.

The laughter starts to spread just minutes after the gentleman begins to giggle. Pretty soon, the entire train car is bursting at the seams with laughter.

Riders are shaking their heads and shrugging their shoulders in surrender to the sheer pleasure of laughing.

This actual scene spontaneously occurred on a metro train. As I watched the recording of it on youtube.com, I couldn't help myself either. I joined in with the laughter.

And it felt so good!

It really doesn't matter what kind of laughter you experience. You might giggle, smirk, or chuckle. Or you may loudly guffaw and double over with a deep belly laugh.

There's no doubt about it. Laughter is a pleasing, releasing and relaxing activity to engage in.

Even if you can't bring yourself to a full-out laugh, you can almost always find a way to lighten up about what's going on in your life.

Unfortunately, many of us don't allow ourselves a really good laugh regularly. It seems too easy to get wrapped up in the “serious work” of being an adult.

After all, we have bills to pay, examples to set for the young folk in our lives and what can seem like the unending troubles of our world to contend with.

Who has time for laughter and lightening up in the midst of all that?

Laughter is essential...

I believe that it's time we all make laughter as much a priority in our lives as we do working out at the gym, eating our vegetables and keeping our minds sharp by completing the sudoku.

The health benefits of laughter have actually been documented. We have all hopefully experienced the delightful release of tension and stress after a good laugh.

You may also be aware that laughter releases those uplifting endorphins. The immune system can be boosted by laughter and benefits to the cardiovascular system can also result.

When you share laughter with others, a bond is almost immediately formed. It is truly difficult to harbor ill feelings toward another person when the two of you are laughing together.

Laughter can also help you get unstuck emotionally. A cleansing laugh can truly shift your perspective.

Laughter can't be forced...

When you look at your life and you are afraid, worried, angry, disappointed or even disgusted by what you see, it can seem impossible to laugh. You simply can't make yourself be happy or laugh.

Noticing that you are unhappy is a great first step toward lightening up and creating space for laughter.

Acknowledge what you're feeling. Don't discount your emotions or shove aside unhappiness.

Do choose to focus more of your attention on aspects of your life that feel lighter, easier and more pleasing.

Your lightening up process might start by watching your cat chase after a toy, for example. As the feline tumbles, leaps and tackles the fuzzball “prey,” you might notice a slight smile form on your lips.

Yes, your life is relatively the same as it was a moment ago, but by simply watching your cat have a little fun you lightened up. It wasn't forced. It was a conscious choice you made to shift your focus.

By Amy Phillips-Gary

It can seem irresistible.

Opening up your mouth and speaking your advice or assessment of a situation...

Even though you weren't asked for it.

Many of us stick our proverbial noses into the business of others and we are almost always well-meaning.

I know, for example, that a dear relative of mine cares about me and only speaks what seems to be true to him about my life and how I should be as a mother, wife and adult woman.

It doesn't seem to matter to him that I did not ask for this advice.

I myself struggle with this at times.

When my partner makes a particular parenting decision that is different than what I'd have done, it can feel like internal wrestling to just let him work it out with the child involved and not step in.

I don't always succeed in keeping my thoughts to myself!

The effect when I let my “wisdom” pour forth can seem discounting, mistrustful and even superior-- even as well-meant as I intended it to be. The original situation did not directly involve me; it was not my business and my advice was not requested.

We've all probably been on the receiving end of advice or labeling we didn't ask for and we don't want.

We've all probably also been on the giving end as we enter into someone else's life and affairs in an unwelcome way.

Of course, there is almost always love and care behind our words and actions; but ultimately, we just need to butt out!

Tricky business

When you stay awake and aware in your interactions with others, you can catch yourself before you launch into unwanted advice or other acts of getting into someone else's business.

But it can seem tricky.

You might feel frightened or concerned about the choices a loved one is making that don't resonate with how you're choosing to live. There is a chance your fears are warranted.

Notice when you get triggered by a situation that you are near to but not directly involved in. Ask yourself if this person is truly in danger or if the intensity of your emotions is linked to something inside of you instead.

This is an important difference.

There might be occasions when you choose to get involved in someone else's business because you believe that this is truly a matter of harm. For instance, if you see a child being abused, getting involved might save that child's life.

Most of the time, we butt in to situations that seem scary or risky to us, but they are really just examples of others living their lives differently than what we do.

Other times we get involved in another person's business in order to avoid something going on in our own lives. It can seem easier to dwell on the challenges in someone else's life than our own.

It can provide a false power rush to leap in and “solve” another's problems when your own challenges mostly make you feel helpless.

Pay attention to the advice you so want to give to this other person. It is possible that the solution or change that seems so clear (to you) for this other person is something you, yourself are being called toward.

When you butt out of another's business, you can be freer to more deeply engage with your own life.

Create Space for Connection

The more you dive down into your own business and explore those triggers you experience along the way, the more available to connection with others you can be.

You create space and possibility for yourself and for your relationships with others as you deal with your own business--
and continue to make that your primary focus.

From that place of ever-expanding space, you are freer to offer support to others in ways that will truly feel supportive to them.

When you encounter a person who seems troubled, you can listen and ask how you can be supportive to him or her.

From this exchange, a deep and meaningful connection happens.

Two people come together and acknowledge the inherent worth in one another's similarities and differences.

Two people listen to one another-- asking, giving and receiving what they each need at the moment.

This is the stuff of growth and expansion.

This is the place of connection and love where the world sits up, takes notice and is enriched.

Stuff it or Spew it?

By Amy Phillips-Gary

What to do with your anger....

Come on. As mild mannered as you think you are, you probably get angry from time to time.


We all get angry occasionally-- some of us more occasionally than others.

The question is do you tend to stuff down your anger in some deep, dark hidden place within or do you spew it forth onto anyone and everyone around you?

I grew up in a family of stuffers.

I remember watching my father kick in a car door because he was so steamed about something that had gone wrong in his life. Outbursts like this didn't happen very often at my house, thankfully.

But there were enough of them that the image is bright and vivid in my mind.

For the most part, I was brought up with the unspoken rule that anger is not allowed.

As with my father, my mother and I both had occasional meltdowns. These were rare. We generally bit our tongues and swallowed our feelings-- especially if they were angry ones.

You might tend to stuff down your anger just like I have in the past (and still tend to do today).

Perhaps, to you, anger is inappropriate. You might believe it would rage out of control if you allowed it, so you simply push it down and hope it will go away.

Sometimes pushing down anger does cause it to subside-- at least for a little while.

With enough stuffing, however, you may feel like that proverbial lidded pot that finally boils over, no longer able to contain all of that pressurized steam.

And if you do manage to control your anger and keep the “lid” on your emotions, you may encounter rashes, ulcers, grinding teeth, or other unpleasant and detrimental health conditions in your body.

Other people don't stuff down anger. Instead, they tend to spew it as they seem to fly off the handle about any “little” thing. Perhaps your boss, parent, your partner, even you yourself are like this.

It's as if the Incredible Hulk has raged into your life-- or inhabited your own body!

While spewers might get a certain release from their outbursts, there are also downsides to this behavior as well.

As you probably already know, relationships can be damaged and even severed by angry outrage. The overtly angry person can also experience health conditions such as heart and blood pressure problems as a result and indicator.

Re-thinking Anger

It's time to re-think anger. No, it's not usually pleasant. But it does crop up for just about every single one of us.

As many other sources have asserted, anger is just energy. We can label it “positive” or “negative.” When it comes down to it, however, it is simply energy.

What you do with anger is what can have the detrimental or, yes even affirming consequences.

Buddhist teachers counsel us to love, embrace and “make friends with” all of our habits, aspects and emotions. This absolutely includes anger.

Here are a few specific techniques for befriending your anger...

*Stay tuned in to your emotions. Notice irritations and annoyances before they turn into full-blown anger. You can deal more easily with whatever is going on for you when it is more manageable.

*Be fluid and flexible. Don't get stuck and rigid in your anger. If you can soften around whatever seems to be the source of anger for you, your emotions can ease.

*Remember to breathe. You can soften as you take a big, deep belly breath. You might find it helpful to forcefully expel your breath-- as if you were assertively blowing out a candle. Repeat this as you need to. Then gradually slow and calm your breathing.

*Interrupt your usual anger pattern. As with any habitual behavior, interrupting your usual reaction gives you space and clarity to make a choice about how you want to respond. Dance, sing, shout...

*Focus in on the feelings, not the story. If you can stop fixating on whatever or whomever appears to have made you upset, you can usually find quicker release around your anger.

Acknowledge and allow those emotions to run through you. Let them crest and then release. Now you can have that talk or handle the circumstances from a calmer and usually clearer place.

Anger may be one of the most difficult emotions out there. It is not bad and it's not necessarily good either. It just is.

As you learn to stay fluid and tuned in to you, the release of difficult emotions like anger can be a point of breakthrough and expansion.

It is another step in loving yourself more completely and moving toward being the person you want to be.